This Heart
by xiao chan
Summary: [FINISHED] Meredith Grey never fully appreciated what it was like to be a patient until now. Tragic news forces her to re examine her life, and to make an important decision. Can she find the strength to tell the one person who matters the most? MerDer
1. Chapter 1

**A/N - So I decided to write a new story...mainly 'cause I felt like it. And I was inspired by this really amazing song. A few things about this story: it takes place between _As We Know It_ and before Mer slept with George. Also, George's little crush for his roommate mysteriously disappeared -cough- and has been replaced with nothing more than brotherly affection. Another thing about this story is that it shifts between Meredith's and Derek's POVs. It starts off from Meredith's perspective and the first ruler signifies the shift to Derek's perspective. The second ruler signifies the shift back to Derek's perspective and so on and so forth. I really hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. If I did, I would forego the famous Ellen/Patrick chemistry and cast myself as Meredith. I also do not own "This Heart" by Paramore, for which this story is titled.**

**Chapter 1**

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* * *

_

I am finding out, that maybe I was wrong.  
That I've fallen down, and I can't do this alone.  
Stay with me, this is what I need,  
Please?

* * *

"Meredith Grey?" one of the nurses from the ER called. I stood up and she turned her attention to me. "Dr. Hahn will see you now." 

The nurse led me through the hallways of Mercy West. I felt strangely at home in the antiseptic smell, the immaculately impersonal and clinical appearance of the hospital itself. A place, very similar to this, had been my home for the past year or so. It had been my heaven and my hell and now I felt like I was betraying it by seeking a consult with the second best surgeon in cardiothoracics. I felt guilty, but I couldn't go back on the decision now.

"Just wait in here," the nurse said, gesturing to the empty room. "Dr. Hahn will be with you in a moment."

I nodded to the nurse. "Thank you."

I had been in a room like this one many times, but I had always been on the other side. I had always been the bearer of bad news, the clinical and professional one. I never truly appreciated what it was like to be a patient until now.

I sat on the hospital bed in silent contemplation when Dr. Hahn walked into the room. She took one look at me and stared down at the chart in surprise. "Dr. Grey? What are you doing here?"

I shrugged. "I came to ask for a consult," I replied.

Dr. Hahn's raised eyebrows told me she didn't buy it. "Really? You have the best surgical team on the west coast at the hospital _you_ work at, why would you want a consult from me?"

I sighed. "It's personal."

She appraised me with piercing blue eyes for a little while longer, then approached me, penlight in hand. "What's wrong, Dr. Grey?"

"Lately I've been losing a lot of weight, Dr. Hahn," I began, "and I get bruised really easily. And I had what at first I thought was the flu, but I'm not sure anymore."

Her eyebrows shot up again. "You and I both know very well what that could mean," she said very cautiously. "How long has this been going on?"

"A few months now," I told her. "Look, I know what this could mean. I know very well what this could mean, which is why I didn't want a consult at Seattle Grace."

She nodded. "I'll have to have some tests done. How long do you have, Dr. Grey?"

"The next two days. The chief's been enforcing the fifty hour work week and I've already hit my limit," I informed her.

"Alright then," she said as she scribbled something down on my chart and pressed the call button for an RN. "I'll need some blood tests done and then we'll go from there. How does that sound, Dr. Grey?"

"That sounds fine," I told her. Anything to get away from Seattle Grace.

"Okay then. Len?" she said, referring to the nurse that brought me here. "Take care of this one. She's valuable property to Seattle Grace and if something happens to her Webber will have my hide."

Len smiled and nodded. I smiled back softly, finally happy to get away from the walls that trapped me, suffocated my every moment of every day.

It was good to get away from all that.

* * *

"Dr. O'Malley?" I saw the intern standing at the nurse's station, writing up post-op notes for the tumor removal he had just scrubbed out of. He looked up and immediately looked down, out of respect for his friend, I assumed. 

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd?" he asked, not taking his eyes off of the charts. God, this whole loyalty thing, while admittedly admirable, was really infuriating. I could never get a straight answer from any of her friends and they were usually the only ones that knew what was going on with her, where she was, what she was doing.

"Where is Dr. Grey?" I asked.

He closed the chart and handed it to the nurse at the station. "With all due respect sir, I can't tell you. You don't have the right to know where she is anymore. She's not your girlfriend." Then he fixed me with what I think was supposed to be an intimidating glare and said, "So stay away from her."

He left me standing there, completely stunned beyond all belief that I just got told off by George O'Malley, a geek that probably got beat up on a daily basis for his milk money.

In all honesty though, the thing that really stung was the truth of his words. He was right, of course; Meredith wasn't mine to worry over anymore. She wasn't my responsibility, but it still scared the crap out of me whenever I didn't know where she was. After the bomb scare…I just wanted to know where she was. I wanted to know that she was alright, because if she wasn't, I didn't know what I'd do.

"Dr. Shepherd?" one of the nurses asked tentatively. "Dr. Shepherd, Bailey needs a consult on a neuro case."

He frowned at the nurse. "Why didn't she just page me?"

"Oh, I wanted to tell you myself," she said breathlessly. "Because I just saw you and all, and well…yeah."

Great. Another fainting admirer.

"I'll be right there," I said, trying to repress my sigh.

I guess seventeen-year-old me would be happy right now. Girls fawning all over me, nurses fainting left and right…and two incredibly hot doctors fighting over me. Unfortunately, right-now-me wasn't so thrilled. And while I'm being honest with myself, I might as well admit that I love Meredith. I love her so much more than I ever thought possible and it threatened to suffocate me under the weight of it all.

"Hey," Addison greeted as the elevator doors opened. "Whatcha up to?"

I cringed, hating how she thought everything was fine. "I'm going for a consult," I said shortly, pulling out my pager. I was also freaking out over where Meredith was, but I didn't think she would have appreciated that.

"Oh, have you seen Meredith?" she asked. I cringed again, hating the way her name sounded on her lips. It was just wrong.

"No," I sighed. "I haven't seen her."

"Oh. Well do you know where she'd be then? Because I need an intern and everyone seems to be home because of this fifty hour thing. I guess she was one of them too."

"I guess," I said. She unknowingly gave me the very welcome information, inspiring me to get off my shift as soon as I could. Hopefully she was home. And hopefully she wouldn't slam her door in my face.

* * *

"So, Dr. Grey, the results of the blood tests are back," Dr. Hahn said. She had the face; she was sporting the bad news face and I knew immediately that there was something really, really wrong. 

"And…?" I asked. "Look, Dr. Hahn, I can handle it. I'm a doctor, so just give it to me. No anesthesia."

Dr. Hahn smiled sadly and I knew that it was probably worse than I thought it would be. "Dr. Grey," she began as she folded her hands in front of her. It was the typical patience stance. I learned it in med school; it was the stance that put the patient at ease. "The blood tests have shown that you have an unusually large amount of white blood cells in comparison to your red blood cell count."

I sucked in a breath. "Will you need a marrow biopsy?"

She nodded. "I'd like one, yes. Just to see what exactly we're dealing with here."

I nodded. "Okay." Dr. Hahn gestured to Len and the nurse stepped forward with the needle. "When will you have the results, do you think?"

"Probably sometime later this evening. Why don't you get yourself something to eat?" she suggested maternally. "You look like you could use it."

I chuckled. "Alright."

Len gestured for her to follow me and I went with her to an exam room where all the tools for the marrow biopsy were sitting on a tray. Without her having to ask, I unzipped my jeans and slid down one side of them to expose my hip.

"I love having doctors as patients," she declared in a very heavy accent that was hard to place as she wiped my skin with some alcohol. "I never have to tell them what to do."

I nodded. "This is kind of weird for me, you know? I'm usually the diagnoser. Now I'm the diagnosee."

Len wrinkled her nose at my poor English. "You know," she began as she inserted the needle, "whenever I say the wrong thing, I at least have an excuse. English is your first language, Dr. Grey. Shouldn't you be getting it right?"

I sighed. "Cut me some slack, okay? I've been having a really crappy…life."

The nurse rolled her eyes. "Seriously? What in the world could happen to a pretty little thing like you?"

"You have no idea," I muttered.

Later that night, I was sitting atop the sheets of my hospital bed, flipping through a medical journal I had brought with me. Dr. Hahn entered the room and raised her eyes skeptically. "It's your day off, Dr. Grey," she informed me, as if I had forgotten. "You shouldn't be reading anything remotely medical."

I shrugged. "I'm an intern." Then I closed the journal and sat up straighter, slightly dreading the news she was about to bring me. "So, Dr. Hahn. What's the diagnosis?"

She paused for a moment before beginning. "Meredith," she said very slowly. The use of the first name with someone you are not on a first name basis with is always a bad thing in any situation. "There were some abnormal blood cells in the sample we took from you. Upon closer examination, we found that you have acute myeloid leukemia. I'm very sorry." She added that trite phrase on at the end, like it was supposed to fix everything.

I didn't realize I hadn't been breathing until I let out a long sigh. I guess I really shouldn't have been all that surprised, though. My life had been too quiet as of late. I needed some new disaster because I am Meredith Grey, and I am queen of dark and twisty.

"What's the prognosis?" I asked, trying to block out the sound of ringing in my ears.

"We're running tests for that right now, but you're very young with no history of bad health. Most likely your prognosis will be normal."

I nodded and let my head sink further into my pillow. "So after the prognosis is determined, I'll begin treatment?"

"Yes," she said. "Is there a way I can contact you? I'm assuming that you'd like to continue treatment here, of course."

"Of course," I echoed. "You can call my cell phone. Or you can page me. I think I put that in the paperwork."

"Okay then," she nodded. "If you have any other questions, feel free to call me. Or you could ask Dr. Burke." She said the name with relative coolness, as if my asking him would be a mistake. "But I think you should tell Dr. Webber. He might want to know why you'll need several weeks off very soon."

I nodded. "Okay. I'll tell him."

Honestly, though, I didn't think I would. Webber didn't treat me like his other interns; I was the daughter of his ex-lover, and was treated with an unusual amount of respect and favoritism. He was one of the last people I wanted to tell.

I got home later that night to Izzie baking in the kitchen and George sitting in front of the television with a beer, looking like a typical guy. "Hey, Mer," Izzie greeted, a look of concern on her face. "Where've you been all day?"

"Oh, just running a few errands. Visiting my mother, stuff like that," I said, very flippantly. Bailey once said I was a bad liar, but I must have been better than she thought I was because Izzie and George bought it.

"Okay," she said as she continued mixing in her big bowl. "I'm making brownies. Would you like some later?"

"Yeah, sure," I said in a very fake cheery sort of way. She didn't notice.

George sauntered in with a beer bottle attached to his palm. "So Dr. Shepherd came by earlier," he said. "He was looking for you."

I nodded, quickly dipping my finger in the batter before Izzie slapped my hand away.

I pretended like I didn't care. But I really did. I cared so much. Too much, actually.

"He said he'd be back later," George informed me, handing Izzie a greased pan so she could pour the batter into it. "Hey, there's nothing going on between you and Shepherd anymore, is there? Because—"

"No, George," I interrupted. "There isn't anything going on between Shepherd and me."

At that moment, the doorbell rang. "Speak of the devil," Izzie muttered under her breath. She set down her tools and walked out to the door. I, however, remained where I was. I didn't want to see him. Not when I had so many other things to think about.

* * *

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd?" Dr. Stevens asked in a very passive aggressive sort of way. 

"Is Meredith in there?" I asked, craning my neck to see if she was standing behind her. Izzie held the door very close to her face, so I was unable to see much.

"Yes, she is here, and no, she would not like to talk to you," she informed me. "Goodnight."

I held out my hand before she could slam the door in my face. "Could you tell her something, then for me please?" I pleaded. I had actually rather wanted to tell her myself, but her friends were making sure that didn't happen.

She sighed. "What?"

"Could…could you tell her that I'd really like to talk to her?"

"Um, no," Izzie said. "Not until you prove that you're not a scumbag."

"Dr. Stevens," I said as severely as I could manage, "I am your boss."

"Not right now you aren't. Right now, you're the asshole standing on my friend's doorstep asking to talk to her when you really don't have the right. You're the asshole who _lied_ to her about having a wife and forced her have a series of one-night stands and drunken nights at Joe's. Do you know what it's like, escorting her home after she's had too much tequila? Do you know what it's like, watching the guys come in and out of this house? No, you don't. Because you're the guy that made it happen in the first place. So get out of here, Derek. Go back to your wife."

It broke my heart. It literally broke my heart, standing on that front step, watching Izzie give me the death glare and forcing me to go home with her eyes. It broke my heart knowing that Meredith was in there, trying to glue herself back together. But most especially, it broke my heart knowing that I was the reason she had to get the glue out in the first place.

**A/N - So that was the first chapter. Please tell me what you think. I really would love your opinions.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

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* * *

_

Sing us a song, and we'll sing it back to you,  
We could sing our own, but what would it be without you?

* * *

"Chief?" I asked tentatively as I knocked on the door to his office. I stuck my head through the crack to make sure he wasn't in the middle of something.

"Ah, Meredith," he said with a paternal fondness that made me cringe in the inside. It made me regret what I had to tell him. "It's your day off, isn't it? Is there anything you need?"

I entered the room and took a seat in front of his desk. I began wringing my hands, unsure of where to start. "Sir…sir, yesterday I went to Mercy West for a consult."

He raised eyebrows. "Mercy West? Meredith, you work at a hospital."

"I know," I said. "But this was kind of…this was kind of personal."

He knew immediately the seriousness of the situation. "What's wrong, Meredith?"

I took a deep breath. Now or never. "I've been diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia," I told him. It's like ripping a band-aid; the faster, the better.

He didn't say anything for a little while. "What's the prognosis?" he asked.

"Normal. I have a moderate chance of recovery."

The two of us didn't talk for a while. I supposed he was trying to absorb all of the information I just told him, because it was a lot to handle.

"When do you begin treatment?" he asked finally.

"I start chemotherapy tomorrow."

"Well we might want to discuss a very long vacation," he said, but I shook my head.

"No, I don't want that. Just let me go on with life okay? And don't tell anyone. I don't want people to look at me like they're sorry."

"Meredith, you have _leukemia_," he emphasized. "You're smarter than this. After you start chemo you'll start to get exhausted more quickly, hemorrhaging at the most inopportune times. Right now is a very bad time for you to be working."

"I can take it, Chief," I said. "I'll take a few more days off, but that's it. And please don't let anyone else know."

He knew who I wanted to keep this from as well as I did. "Meredith," he sighed, "this hospital, these people, they care for you. It's going to be difficult explaining why your hair is falling out at a really young age, you know."

"I'll find a way. Please, Chief?" I begged.

He sighed again. "Fine. But if something happens to you on the job, I'll be forced to tell them whether you like it or not."

I nodded. It was only fair.

* * *

An elevator, why is it always an elevator? The moment I stepped onto that stupid elevator, Meredith Grey was standing there, looking more occupied than usual. 

"Dr. Grey," I said very formally. I knew she heard the exchange of words between Izzie and me the other night. I wouldn't have been surprised if she was the one that told Izzie to say all those things.

"Dr. Shepherd," she replied with equal coolness.

That's when I lost it. Without quite thinking the situation through, I lunged forward at the elevator control pad and pulled the emergency stop button. "Why won't you talk to me?" I demanded as I rounded on her. Her eyes were a fierce looking green, angrier than I had ever seen them. "Why do you ignore me every time I try to talk to you?"

"Because I'm trying, here," she said through clenched teeth. "I'm trying to move on with my life. I'm trying to forget that I told you that I loved you and you just threw that all away because I wasn't enough. I'm trying to hold myself together and you just keep tearing me apart every time. You left me. You have no right to be angry with me because you left me." And with that, she stepped forward and pushed the emergency stop button back in.

"Meredith," I breathed. She made it so difficult for me to think clearly. "Meredith, I wish—"

"You can wish all you want," she said in a harsh tone that made me cringe. "You can wish all you want, but it's not going to make things turn out the way they should. You made your choice, Dr. Shepherd." The elevator dinged and the doors opened. "Now you have to deal with the consequences," she said as she walked out of the elevator, not looking back.

When she was gone, I banged my head against the wall. Never in my life had I screwed things up so badly, with everything; with her, with Addison with all of my colleagues and closest friends…it seemed that I made the wrong decision every single time and it was slowly wearing me down. But most of all, I missed Meredith. I missed seeing her smile, listening to her laugh, watching her nose wrinkle whenever she didn't understand something, or she was picturing something strange in her head. I missed everything about her, more than I liked to admit. If you told seventeen-year-old me that I would love someone so much, I would have laughed. And I would have laughed even harder if you told seventeen-year-old me that I let this woman I loved so much slip through my fingers for a woman who cheated on me.

God, life seems so much simpler when you're seventeen years old.

* * *

I walked out of the elevator fuming, absolutely furious that Derek thought he had the right to be upset with me. First he lies about his wife, he picks her over me, and expects me to be okay with that? 

Why was my life always the one that was screwed up? Why was I the one with the daddy issues, the mother with the Alzheimer's, the dirty mistress complex and the broken heart? Why was I holding the bomb that kept everyone from blowing up, that ended up killing two bomb squad guys that were only trying to help? Why did I have leukemia?

"Hey, Meredith?" Cristina called as she ran after me down the hallways.

"Not now, Cristina," I replied back, breezing right past her. "I'm in a very self-pitying mood, you wouldn't want to deal with me."

She rolled her eyes. "You're always in a self-pitying mood," she replied. "Look, I need you to do some tests for the patient in room thirty-six fifteen. Please?"

I raised my eyebrows at her. "What makes you think I want to do that?"

"Because you owe me," she replied. "Remember broken penis guy? I did that enema for you, you totally owe me."

I groaned. "What's so important that you can't do it yourself?"

"Burke wants to take me out to dinner," she replied. "He's taking me to a fancy restaurant, so I want to get ready."

Damn it. She pulled the Burke card on me. "Fine," is sighed as I held my hand out for the chart. Without another word, she happily handed it over.

"Thanks, Mer."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."

"So what's wrong with you?" she asked, leaning against the railing of the staircase in the lobby. "Why are you in a self-pitying mood?"

I bit my lip, a little torn. I wanted her to know because she was my best friend. She deserved to know, after all the crap we had been through, but I was afraid that she might say something to Burke.

But I decided I had to tell her. She _was_ my person after all. I took a deep breath and began. "What I tell you next cannot leave this conversation okay? You can't tell anyone, not Burke, Izzie, George, or Alex. You _especially_ can't tell Derek."

Her brows shot up in surprise. "Ookay…I won't tell anyone."

"You swear?"

"Mer, are we back in high school all of a sudden? I said I wouldn't tell."

Another breath. "I went to Mercy West yesterday for a consult and I've been diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia."

This sufficiently shocked her into complete and utter silence. "Oh my God, Meredith," she said after a while. "Are you serious?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, I'm not. It's a vicious rumor I decided to make up. What do you think, Cristina? Of course I'm serious. I wouldn't have gone to _Mercy West_ to get a consult if I wasn't."

Somehow, telling Cristina made it more real. I knew I had leukemia, of course I knew…but it didn't make it official until I told my person. She was the one that would drive me to appointments, stop my random nosebleeds, shop for hats for me when I started to need it. She was the one, she was the one that was supposed to know. And now it was official.

I had cancer.

"Meredith," she whispered. It shocked me to see tears brim in the bottom of her eyes.

"Don't worry," I choked. "Dr. Hahn said I had a moderate chance of recovery. I told the chief and he said he was willing to give me the days off I requested and I'm starting chemo tomorrow."

"You didn't tell anyone else?" she asked.

I shook my head.

We stood there for a little while, in complete silence. Then she pierced the unnerving silence with a husky, broken tone. "If you die on me, Meredith, I swear I will bring you back and kill you again."

I chuckled. "No problem."

* * *

"So I made reservations today," Addison said proudly, "at La Château de Marie." 

I nodded like I cared. "Okay."

The glasses came off as she fixed me with a cold stare. "Derek, are you really going to be like this? Right now, are you going to act like a two-year-old?"

"I'm not acting like a two-year-old," I said delicately. "I'm acting like I don't care, Addie. And I don't. I don't care. It's great that you got us reservations, but it wouldn't have mattered to me if you didn't."

She glared at me with those blue eyes. There had once been a time when they would have struck the fear of God in me, but now…now I didn't care. I couldn't bring myself to care. "Derek, you _said_ you were going to try and make this relationship work. Is this your idea of making it work? Offering me a place in your trailer and not talking to me?"

I sighed. "Addie right now isn't the best time. We'll talk about this later."

"You always say that!" she screamed. "You always say we're going to talk about this later, but we never do. I want to talk about this _now_ Derek, while you can't walk away."

"Watch me," I said as I closed the chart I was holding, tucked it under my arm and walked away. I could feel her frustrated blue gaze boring into my back, but I didn't care. I couldn't think of anything else except for the fact that Meredith refused to talk to me and there was something serious going on in her life. I could tell. It had been months since we had been together, but I could still tell when something was haunting her.

Almost as if I had conjured her with my amazing surgical mind powers, the one and only Meredith Grey began walking in the opposite direction towards me. My face lit up when I saw her. "Meredith!" I called, but she ignored me. "Meredith—Meredith, wait." I made a reach for her arm, but she jerked it away.

"No, Dr. Shepherd. I have labs to run and coffee to fetch. If you don't mind, I'd like to do my job."

I ignored her. "Meredith, something's wrong," I insisted. "I can tell, so don't try to say that you're alright. Look, I'm here for you, okay? Just tell me what's going on."

"I'm fine," she insisted, halfheartedly shrugging my hand off her shoulder. "I have to get back to work."

"Meredith," I said gently, pulling her aside and looking her straight in the eye. "What's wrong? You can tell me, you know."

She shook her head. "No, I can't. I can't tell you because as much as I want to, you're definitely the _last_ person to tell. And you're not supposed to care. You and I are supposed to have a strictly professional relationship. We don't know each other outside this hospital, so please, let's not pretend like we do."

I should have done it. I should have told her that I loved her, that I wanted her, that I should have chosen her and that I didn't love my wife at all. I should have told her that seeing her broken made me broken, seeing her cry and put on a brave face for everyone else made me feel like a flaming imbecile.

I should have told her. But I didn't. Instead, I let her walk away, tears very close to brimming in her eyes.

Seventeen-year-old me is having a fit.

* * *

Cristina held my hand in the exam room as we waited for Dr. Hahn. It really meant a lot to me, that she was there, holding my hand. She was never a touchy feely sort of person, so for her to be standing there, holding my hand as I faced my first chemotherapy shot really meant a lot to me. 

"Dr. Grey, Dr. Yang," Dr. Hahn greeted as she walked into the room. "It's good to see the two of you. How's life going in Seattle Grace?"

"Fine," I said, as cheerfully as I could manage. Cristina squeezed harder.

"Well, I'm assuming you both know why you're here," she said as Len, the scrub nurse from the last time I came, walked in behind her, rolling a tray where the familiar medical tools sat, waiting to be used on me.

"We know," Cristina said in an uncharacteristically husky voice. "Let's just get this over with, okay?"

It was my turn to squeeze Cristina's hand.

Gently, Dr. Hahn took my other hand and began inserting the cannula. "So, I heard you guys had a bomb scare a couple of weeks back," she said conversationally. I was grateful to her that she was trying to dispel the awkwardness and intensity of the situation.

"Yeah," Cristina said. "Meredith almost died then too."

Dr. Hahn raised her eyebrows as she picked up the syringe and injected the shot into the tiny little tube. "Seriously?"

"She was the one holding the bomb," Cristina said as she rolled her eyes. "She was the one that decided to be a freaking hero and hold the freaking bomb."

I smiled ruefully. "I have a hero complex."

Dr. Hahn chuckled. "I can see that." Then she turned the valve of the cannula and waited with me as the chemicals were deposited into my unwilling body.

**A/N - Thank you guys so much for the awesome reviews! They're really great motivators.**

**Dr. Bones: -grins sheepishly- Yeah, I realized that Mer's problem wasn't really surgical, much less anything Dr. Hahn would be very knowledgeable in until after I posted. But for now, I'm probably going to continue using Dr. Hahn as her doctor because I've already started and I don't really want to create a new character. And I'm really _really_ glad that someone with medical knowledge is reading this. I've been doing research, but the internet and medical texts (with words that go completely over my head) can only go so far. If you would please continue reading and tell me if some of the scenarios seem a little far-fetched or if I have my facts wrong, I would _really_ appreciate it. Thanks.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

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* * *

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I am nothing now, and it's been so long,  
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope.

* * *

"So," Cristina said as we walked out of Mercy West. "I guess that wasn't as scary as I thought it would be."

I nodded, looking sadly at my long, honey colored locks. It had taken me forever to grow my hair to the length I wanted it to be and soon it would be all gone.

Cristina seemed to be reading my thoughts. "You're going to miss it, aren't you?"

I nodded. "But it's going to have to go sooner or later." Then an idea came to me. "Cristina, will you do something for me?" I asked with a smile.

She eyed me warily. "It depends on what it is."

I took her by the hand and dragged her to the car, running as quickly as I could. "We're going to a hair dresser," I told her as I started the car. "And we are going to buy a set of hair trimmers."

Cristina's eyebrows shot up in shock and amusement when she understood. "Are you seriously…?"

I nodded. "I don't want anyone to know about the cancer, and we work in a hospital. They're going to notice that my hair's starting to thin out, but they won't notice when it's all, suddenly and completely gone."

Cristina laughed. "Meredith, you're insane."

I laughed with her, enjoying the fact that I could find something to enjoy at all in the face of all this tragedy. "I know."

We made a quick stop at a hair salon, bought a set of hair trimmers at a ridiculously high price and drove back to my place with the thing hidden carefully in a plastic bag.

Izzie and George weren't back from their shift at the hospital yet, so we had the house to ourselves, but we decided to do it in the master bathroom. Just in case.

After sitting me down in front of the mirror and plugging it in, Cristina turned to me, a look of determination on her face. "Now, are you sure you want to do this? You could just get a wig or something. It would be a lot less conspicuous."

I shook my head. "A wig will never be the same as my actual hair. And besides," I said mournfully, as I stroked my hair for the last time, remembering the words Derek said to me, about how my hair smelled like lavender. "It's time to let go."

Cristina nodded and turned it on. "Okay, Mer. Now or never." I braced myself as she applied it to my hair and watched sadly as the first blonde lock fell to the cold tile floor.

* * *

"Oh my God, have you seen Meredith?" Izzie asked Alex as she walked into the hospital. 

I followed at a careful distance behind; not too far away to hear nothing, but not to close to be considered stalking.

"No," Alex said in confusion. "What happened?"

"She shaved her head!" Izzie cried.

I dropped the coffee cup in my hands.

"What?" Alex asked in shock.

"Meredith shaved her head! As in it's completely gone!" Izzie exclaimed excitedly. "At first I thought she must have been drunk when she did it or something, but she was completely sober. Cristina even did it _for_ her."

"Why?" I asked, unaware that I was supposed to pretend like I hadn't been listening. I was too shocked that Meredith would shave off her beautiful, lavender-scented, honey colored locks. "Why on earth would she shave her head?"

Izzie shrugged, apparently unperturbed that I had been listening in on their conversation. "I don't know, but I have to admit that it looks pretty cool."

"Seriously?" Alex asked.

At that moment, George ran up to the two of them. "Did you tell him about Meredith?" he asked her.

I was still too shocked to believe it. Nothing in the world could motivate Meredith to shave her head unless she was drunk. Her hair was too perfect, too beautiful. Why would any woman _ever_ do that to herself?

I went on morning rounds later that day and saw for myself the tragedy wreaked upon Meredith Grey's beautiful, no longer blonde head. I expected to be indignant at the sight, desperately wanting to go back to her house and tape her hair back on if I had to. But strangely enough, it _did_ look good. It looked amazing. Meredith Grey and her bald head looked absolutely amazing.

"Wow, Dr. Grey," I said in admiration of her shiny, bald head. "This is certainly different."

She chuckled, and I was pleased to know that she wasn't in as horrible a mood as the other day. "Well, I decided it was time for a change. Besides, it means I'll have to spend

less on shampoo and conditioner and all that nonsense."

I sighed wistfully. "I'll miss the lavender."

She smiled a sad smile. "I kind of will too. But, it's okay." But she didn't seem to be talking to me anymore. Right then, it sounded like she was talking to herself. "It'll be okay." The elevators dinged and Meredith looked up. After one last smile sent in my direction, she walked off the elevators and down the hallways.

I sighed and leaned against the railing. Meredith was bald.

Seventeen-year-old me would be indignant.

* * *

"Alright, listen up!" Dr. Bailey said as she walked into the locker room, business as usual. "Karev, you're with Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, Yang, I want you in pit working on sutures—no complaints! Stevens, you're with Dr. Burke and Gr—" she stopped abruptly when she turned to me. Then with her hands on her hips, she glared at me. "What in the world did you to do to your hair?" 

"I shaved it," I said, squirming nervously under her scrutinizing gaze. I caught Cristina behind her, shooting me a comforting look.

"I can see that," she said as if I had just insulted her intelligence. "Why in the world would you want to shave your hair?"

I shrugged. "It was time for a change."

She shook her head, like that was the worst excuse for ruining your outer image she had ever heard. "Fine. I want you in pit with Yang. Get a move on people! We've got lives to save."

I followed them out of the locker room and ran up behind Cristina. "So, was that nonchalant enough?" I asked her.

"Better than I would have handled it," she said. Then she brought her hand up and rubbed my shiny, completely smooth head. "I'm still trying to get used to you with no hair."

I grinned at her. "Me too. You and I will have to start hat shopping the next time we have a day off."

She couldn't help but smile in the face of this very severe situation. "What if you had stronger hair follicles than you thought? What if your hair didn't fall out and you just chopped it all off for no reason?"

I shrugged. "Then it'll grow back. I'm not really all that worried about it right now."

"We've got incoming!" one of the nurses shouted as she ran to the pit. Immediately, Cristina and I grabbed yellow gowns and ran after her, hastily tying them around us. Before we made it out the doors to meet the ambulance, the gurney came charging through the hallways.

"Thien Tran, sixteen-year-old male—" one of the paramedics began, but a loud shriek interrupted his introduction.

"Oh my God, Thien!" Running right behind us was a teenage boy, trying desperately to cling onto the rails of the gurney. "Will he be all right? Tell me he'll be all right!"

"We won't know for sure until we find out what caused the seizures in the first place," I said as I gently pried his fingers off. I hung back and directed him to the waiting room.

"Sir, I need you to stay here in the waiting room. We'll tell you what's going on as soon as we find out, okay?"

He gulped and nodded, wiping the tears away with the heels of his hands as I ran after the gurney.

When I got back to room where they had taken the gurney, Derek had already gotten there. "What've we got?" he asked as he pulled my penlight from the front pocket of his lab coat and flashed it into the patient's pupils.

"Thien Tran, sixteen-year-old male started seizing in the middle of class," Cristina informed him as I hovered around the edges. "He has no history of neurological damage or epilepsy."

"Hm," he murmured to himself. "Get him to MRI. I need to see what we're dealing with here. Yang," he said as he handed her the patient's charts. "I want you on this one."

Cristina nodded with a professional smirk on her face, while I shrank in the corner, filled with disappointment. I guess it was because I hadn't come in with the patient. Cristina was there first, so I should have been happy for her.

Without another word, I walked out of the room, my shoulders characteristically slumped. As I was walking down the hall, McWife herself came strutting down the hall in her insane four-inch, shiny black Prada stilettos. I looked up to see her beautiful pink lips turned up in a smile. "So it's true after all, huh, Dr. Grey?"

I saw her flick her eyes at my head and I nodded sheepishly. "Yeah," I said, giving my shiny bald scalp an unnecessary rub. "It was time for a change. Not to mention, I kinda wanted to do something daring."

"You have a very beautiful skull," she complimented. "I know that sounds really weird and all, but not many woman could pull off the whole bald thing. You do it really well."

I wasn't exactly sure what to say to that. What do you say when someone tells you that you look good when you're bald? Nothing. So instead, I nodded and smiled, like it was a compliment I heard everyday. Then before she could say more awkward things that I didn't know the response to, I hurried off down the hall, hoping for another surgical case to come crashing through the doors.

* * *

"Did you see Dr. Grey?" Addison asked during my lunch break. I nodded wordlessly, spearing my salad and stuffing it in my mouth, avoiding the look in her eye. 

"Honestly, why would any woman want to shave their head? She had such beautiful hair too," Addison sighed. "It was a really pretty color. I was kind of thinking of dying my hair that shade of blonde. What do you think?" she asked as she gave her crimson tresses a shake with her hand.

I looked up and raised my eyebrows. "No. Absolutely not."

"Why not?" she asked, her blue eyes suddenly fierce. "Wouldn't it look good on me too? Or is that a color only reserved for Meredith Grey?"

"What do you want, Addie?" I asked tiredly.

"I want you to care!" she shouted. "I want you to give a damn, Derek! I'm your wife, is that seriously too much to ask?"

Yes. Yes it was.

"I'm not talking about this with you now," I grumbled as I picked my tray up from the table and walked away.

My whole life consisted of moments when all I did was walk away. That was what I was good at; I just left. I left Addison and Mark literally in the throes; I left Meredith, sitting in a bar, getting drunk by herself; I left Addison just then. I couldn't force myself to stop walking and turn around to see the damage I had wreaked, because if I did, the devastation might be too much for me to handle.

I went through the rest of my work day, setting a furious pace. I didn't stop once. The moment I finished the operations I had scheduled that day, I removed an aneurism from the teenage boy that came in after seizing in the middle of class. I answered pages, I filed paper work, I wrote post-op notes, doing everything I could to forget Addison waiting for me to talk to her.

At the end of the day, I walked into the elevator, my subconscious searching for the familiar flash of shiny blonde hair. But I had to remind myself: Meredith no longer had hair. Now, she was bald. She was a very cute, very bald intern.

It only left me wondering what the skin on her scalp felt like.

* * *

"What if they realize that you're eyebrows and eyelashes are gone too?" Cristina asked as we took our usual table, right in the middle of the cafeteria. 

I shrugged. "I'll just draw them on and buy fake eyelashes."

I looked up and saw a torn look on her face, one that reflected her inner torment and concern for me. "Meredith," she began slowly and reluctantly, as if she didn't want to say what she was about to say at all, "why don't you tell someone else? Why don't you tell everyone? You wouldn't have to go to all this trouble to keep everyone from knowing."

"I don't want them to look at me like they're sorry for me," I explained. "And I don't want to be treated differently. I can pull this off, I can survive it. And no one will have to know that I was fighting for my life at all."

Cristina looked like she wanted to say something, but she decided against it. Instead, she turned to her sandwich and bit into the corner and stared at me, as if she were willing me to get better with her mind powers alone. Or to make sure that I was alright, that I wouldn't collapse in the middle of lunch.

"I don't want you on any dangerous cases, okay?" she said finally, after a long stretch of silence. "I don't want you on any dangerous infections, and I don't want you anywhere _near_ the emergency room. The emergency room has sick people, and you might get even worse. Whenever you start to feel woozy or fatigued, no matter what you are doing, you are to drop everything and take a nap in the on-call room. And under no circumstances are you allowed to hold a bomb in a guys chest any more."

I raised my eyebrows. "Since when did you get so mother hen-like?"

"Since my best friend decided to get diagnosed with leukemia," she replied. "Just promise me, okay? If you're going to survive this without anybody knowing, you have to be smart. And you can't take any chances, because if you so, I so help me God--"

"I know, I know," I cut her off. "You'll bring me back and kill me again.

**A/N - Thank you so much for the pretty amazing reviews. I'm really glad that you guys like it. And just to let you know, I'm really sorry if there are any grammatical errors. I'm having Microsoft Office issues. Ack, I really hate technology. And it hates me.**

**Dr. Bones - So this is in answer to the whole hair falling out thing. I already had this planned out, but I didn't want to tell you because I wanted to wait. And about Meredith being neutropenic...I am the writer of this story and as much as I want this story to be as close to reality as I can make it, I'm still God of this alternate universe, lol. I'm not trying to brush off your concerns or advice or anything, it's just that it's quite possible for her to to continue working in a hospital if she's careful, right? But thank you so much again for your aweseome input! It really makes me happy that you're reading this.**

**Lizzy - Oh, wow. I'm really happy that you like my story. Do you have an email address? If you do, do you think you could email me? I'd really like to get some input and view points from you, if you don't mind. My email's listed on my profile page, so feel free to email me anytime. Thank you so much!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

_

* * *

_

This time, I will be listening

* * *

It had been four months since I last talked to Meredith.

Four…freaking…months.

It drove me crazy, not knowing what she was up to, what she was doing. I gave her the space she asked for, but I wasn't quite sure that either of us liked the arrangement. We tried to avoid any and all situations that might result in our being alone in a room together, and I lost several pounds taking the stairs instead of the elevators. But the truth of the matter was, I missed her. I missed her so much. I only ever acknowledged her presence in silent observance, quietly and discreetly so no one knew I was checking up on her. And every time I saw her, she got thinner and paler. There were bags under her eyes and her face was more hollowed out, more gaunt. It drove me in despair to see her like this and I very nearly asked her several times how she was doing. But then I remembered that look on her face the last time we were in an elevator together and I stopped. It was better like that, anyway. Really.

At least, that was what I kept trying to tell myself.

If it was really better though, I couldn't tell. Anyways, it didn't really make a difference if we were talking or not. Because in the end, I wasn't with her. I was still with Addison. And nothing in the world could ever make that alright.

* * *

"Meredith, I have some bad news," Dr. Hahn announced grimly as she walked into my regular room at Mercy West. Cristina was standing next to me as usual, and squeezed my hand a little harder than necessary when she entered the room.

"Yes?" I asked, fighting to keep the exhaustion from sounding obvious in my voice. The chemotherapy had certainly taken its toll on me as the months slowly progressed. My eyebrows and eyelashes were no more and Cristina had to almost carry me home on more than one occasion. Any more bad news just might break me down, further than anything I could ever handle.

"It seems like the chemotherapy is doing more harm than good," she said very gently, but as frankly as she could. "While the chemicals are destroying the abnormal cells, they're also destroying the healthy ones." A silence followed this declaration.

"What are the options?" Cristina asked finally, trying to sound composed, but I knew better than that. I could hear faint notes of panic bleeding through in her voice.

"At this point there are three," Dr. Hahn replied. "One, we continue to use chemotherapy in hopes that your healthy cells will grow at a faster rate than they're being destroyed. Or we take you off chemo."

And die. But she didn't say that part.

"What's the third?" I asked.

"The third option is a bone marrow transplant," she said. "At this point, it's the only feasible solution."

Cristina and I exchanged glances. "So," I began in a rather choked voice, "if I _don't_ have a bone marrow transplant, I could…I could…"

"You could die, yes," she said very gently. "It's a lot to handle right now, so I want you to really think about it before we decide on anything. Read up on some stuff, research it thoroughly. I don't want you going into this without knowing what you're up against, okay?"

I nodded and with a reassuring pat on the shoulder, she left the room.

The walk out to the parking lot and half of the ride on the way home was silent between Cristina and me. But as we were exiting the highway, she said very quietly, almost inaudibly, "You're getting that transplant."

I swallowed very hard. "Cristina--"

"No, Meredith," she said, her voice, though wavering, stronger and more assertive. "I've been listening to you for the past four months. Now it's your turn." Suddenly, she pulled over onto the shoulder of the road and put the car in park. "I refuse to let you die," she said fiercely, glaring me in the face. Tears were dangerously close to spilling over her eyelids. It suddenly struck me that I had seen her almost cry in these past months than she probably ever had actually cried in her life. "I can't let you die, Meredith. I just can't."

"Cristina," I began in a raspy voice, "maybe it's better if I just let go. You know? Maybe it's time for me to go."

"No," she growled. "It is _not_ time for you to go. I know that you've had a pretty shitty existence and it's gotten worse as you've gotten older, but you've got to fight this. You've got to survive because there is so much more to life than what you've seen. There's so much more that you have to live for. You still have to prove to everyone that you can live up to your mother's legacy. And you still have to prove to McDreamy that you don't fucking need him. You have to keep fighting this because damn it, Meredith, you are a fighter. You're a fucking fighter and if you die, I don't…I don't think…"

It broke my heart, watching her trying to get out these words that had been weighing her down. Right then and there I realized that this disease had been plaguing her as badly as it had done to me, if not worse. My person was breaking down. She was breaking down and pretty soon I wouldn't have much of a person left if I didn't continue to fight this.

"Do you really think I can get through this?" I whispered.

"You are," she said. "You are going to get this bone marrow transplant, and you are going to live. Okay? You're going to live."

The tears began to trail down our at the same time, and we wordlessly reached across the car to hold ourselves to each other, refusing to let go until the sun had almost set.

* * *

I was standing at the nurse's station, writing up some post-op notes when Addison approached me. "When was the last time you and I went out to dinner together?" she whispered in my ear as she wrapped her arm around my waist.

I suppressed a groan. "Um, I'm not sure," I said in a tone that hopefully showed my disgust at the idea of us going out to dinner. There were a million other things I would rather do, Meredith being the top of that list. But seeing as how that wasn't likely to happen any time soon, I kept my mouth shut.

"Because I was thinking," she said, not so subtly running her hands over my chest that made me groan in a completely nonsexual way, "that maybe after our shifts, we could go out to a nice, candlelit dinner…maybe sip a few glasses of wine? And then we could go home…" she trailed off suggestively.

"Addison," I said tiredly. "I'm not in the mood."

"Oh-ho, not right now," she said, flashing me that look that I would have called suggestive a long time ago, "but later on you will be."

"No, Addison," I said very firmly as I pulled away. "I won't. Look, I'm sorry, but there's a lot on my mind and I really don't think--"

"Come on, Derek," she said, almost pleaded. "We haven't had sex in almost six months. Look, I really need you. Please?" She lowered her face she was looking up at me through her long, wispy red eyelashes. "Please?"

"No, Addison." And before she could beg again, I was walking away. Again.

Luckily, I didn't get a chance to dwell on my guilty feelings for turning her down, leaving her alone when she clearly did _not_ want to be alone. Just as I was walking away, several EMTs started running down the hallways, preceding a gurney and flanked by more paramedics.

"We've got incoming!" one of the nurses shouted, and I ran up next to one of the paramedics.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Car crash," he replied. "This guy didn't have his seatbelt on and he went flying through the windshield. He's got a few piercing wounds from the glass, but they seem pretty shallow. We're more worried about head trauma than anything."

I nodded. In the corner of my eye, I saw Bailey's infamous interns running down the hall in their yellow gowns to catch the gurney. "Get this guy to ICU. We'll proceed from there." Then I turned to the interns standing before me. "Grey, I want you to take this guy to MRI ASAP, okay?"

She nodded her bald little head, the light flashing off her shiny skin. "Yes sir."

It turned out that there were several other things wrong with him than just his brain, things which couldn't wait to be solved. So his brain surgery was scheduled for the next day while his other issues were taken care of that night. Leaving me free to go home as soon as my shift ended. Home to Addison, my wife.

When I got home, though, said wife was waiting at the kitchen table with her luggage surrounding her. She was all packed and ready to go. To where, however, I had no clue.

"Addison?" I asked in confusion. "What's all this?"

She took in a deep breath. "I tried, Derek. I really did. You can't fault me for not trying."

My eyebrows shot up. "What--"

"Let me talk," she interrupted. "It's easier if I just get this all off my chest." She took a deep breath before continuing. "I've been offered a fellowship in hospital in New York and I've accepted."

A long silence engulfed us. I gazed at my wife, not really seeing her but instead seeing all of the sudden opportunities that had been presented to me in those few sentences.

"They actually called me a while ago, but I didn't know if I wanted to take it until I talked to you. Look," she said as she stood up from her chair and walked to me to stroke my arm. "I didn't want to leave until I knew that there was no chance that we could ever be what we once were."

There was a sadness in her eyes that I couldn't quite imitate. As tragic as it sounded that this was truly the end of our marriage, it didn't make me as depressed as it probably should have been. Instead, I felt the strange sensation of hope, something I hadn't felt in a long, long time.

"I know when I'm not wanted anymore, Derek," she said. "And your heart hasn't been in this for a really long time." She stroked my arm not as a wife would stroke her husband's arm, but as a woman would comfort a friend. "I love you, Derek, but I think it's time for me to let go."

"Addie…" I trailed off. Her letting me go was the single sweetest thing she had ever done in all eleven years of our marriage. I could hardly speak. So instead, I wrapped my arms around her and nestled my unshaven face against her neck, breathing in her distinctly Addison-like scent for the last time. "Thank you," I whispered, not bothering to keep the quaver from my voice.

She gave me one last squeeze before pulling away. With tears brimming in the wells of her eyelids, she smiled at me and said, "I expect an invitation to the wedding, okay?"

The next day at work, I walked in feeling lighter and much freer than I had in a really long time. "Good morning!" I nearly exclaimed to everyone who was passing my way. They all turned to shoot me weird glances in return, as if I was sprouting broccoli out of my ears.

"How are you this wonderful, bright morning, Dr. Stevens?" I asked as I strolled confidently to the OR board.

She gave me the same weird glance that several of the other nurses had shot me. "What's wrong with you?"

"Oh, nothing," I said happily. "Just that Addie got a fellowship in New York. And we're getting a divorce."

I realize in retrospect that it wasn't really the greatest way to announce that I was actually single, but at the time I was too excited to care. I also realize that I probably should have told Meredith in person, but I wanted her to find out as soon as possible. So I told the person who would ensure that she found out before the next hour's end.

"Seriously?" Izzie asked, eyeing me with what I assumed was newfound respect.

"Yup. But I'd really appreciate it if you kept this under wraps," I said, knowing fully well that the best way to get this to spread was to tell her to keep it a secret. "No one's really supposed to know until everything's finalized."

"Oh, of course," she replied, almost peeing herself in her excitement. I tried to wipe off that complacent smirk on my face. It was so obvious that she was going to tell Meredith the moment she got the chance.

"Thanks, Dr. Stevens. Well I'd better get on with rounds," I said, then abruptly stopped as I made my way down the hall. "Oh, and if you could, could you tell Bailey that I need an intern for a surgery I have scheduled this afternoon? Preferably Dr. Grey. Thanks."

"Sure thing, Dr. Shepherd," she said, practically jumping up and down on her toes, ready to go racing down the hall.

The moment I turned around, I almost came crashing into Dr. Yang. Her dark brown eyes were narrowed at me, and I was distinctly reminded of Dr. Bailey. With no preamble, she immediately spat, "Look, McDreamy. I'm onto your game."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said, playing the clueless card.

"Yes you do," she growled. "You think that just because you and McWife are getting a divorce, Meredith will come running back to you. Well guess what? It doesn't work like that. She asked you to choose her and you didn't. Just because you finally grew a pair doesn't make everything alright. It's gonna take a lot more to get Meredith back, because you played her once and I'll be damned before you play her again."

I opened my mouth to say something, but I couldn't. She was right. She was one hundred percent right.

"And I'm scrubbing in on your procedure this afternoon," she said confidently.

I crossed my arms, no longer intimidated. "What exactly makes you think that? The last time I checked, I'm still your boss, Yang."

She didn't say anything. Instead, her eyes widened very slightly and I had the very distinct impression that I was being stared down. And unfortunately, it was working. "Okay, fine," I grumbled as I turned away. "You'll scrub in."

* * *

"Are you sure you can do this?" Cristina asked for the millionth time. We standing over the sinks in the scrub room, adjacent to the OR itself. I hadn't really felt like myself since I had been diagnosed, but since I woke up that morning, I had felt even weaker than usual.

"I'll be fine," I lied. "I swear."

I had gotten better at lying in those months. I had to, after all those times I told George and Izzie that I was just exhausted and all I really needed was a good cup of coffee, or a long nap. I had to have been getting better. Because they kept believing me.

I stood at the edge of the OR, watching Derek perform his actions with precision and skill, something I always admired about him. I had heard the rumors that he and Addison were finally getting a divorce and had felt the appropriate mix of guilt and intense happiness. But I couldn't help but feel doubtful of him. He left me once, who was to say he wouldn't leave me again?

The OR was getting fuzzier by the moment. I shook my head several times to regain focus, and very rarely did it work.

"Dr. Grey?"

"Yes sir?" I asked, struggling to regain focus. Cristina stood next to me, giving me a gentle nudge with her elbow.

"Pay attention, Dr. Grey," he reprimanded. He repeated the question and after thinking back to my med school education, I gave him the textbook answer.

Several hours later, he was closing up the skull. "Great work, people," he announced as he set down his tools. "Mr. Alvarez here will make it through the night with no lasting damage. Dr. Grey, if you could inform the family…"

I didn't hear the rest of it. I was too busy fighting to remain conscious.

"Mer?" Cristina murmured under her breath. "Mer, are you okay?"

"Cristina," I whispered. "Cristina, I--I don't think…"

I don't remember anything after that, because the blackness that had been framing my vision throughout the operation finally engulfed me. The last thing I heard was Derek's voice shouting frantically above the bustle around me.

**A/N - I'd just like to dedicate this chapter to MeredithGreyPotter1 for reminding me to update. If you haven't checked out her story Stolen I sincerely suggest you do. And review and tell her to update immediately. Because she seriously needs to.**

**So...Meredith passed out. What will happen?**

**Unfortunately, you guys don't get to find out until later. Because I'm going to Breckenridge for the next five days (as in, I'm leaving as soon as school lets out) and I am literally posting this right in the middle of Visual Basic class, hoping to God Mrs. King doesn't catch me. Because that lady can be a grade A bitch. See what you guys are doing to me? You're making me risk my academic reputation.**

**I'd really love to come home to an inbox overflowing with reviews. ****And I know you guys can do it. So...get reviewing! And be sure to check out my blog for stuff that was too long to put in my Author's Notes.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

* * *

_Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you  
We could sing our own, but what would it be without you?_

* * *

"Meredith? Meredith!" I shouted. I watched in horror as her slim frame began a slow-motion fall to the ground. "Someone, help her!"

Cristina was already there, grabbing her by the elbows to make sure her head didn't hit the ground. "Oh God, Mer," I heard her whisper. Then to one of the scrub nurses standing nearby, she shouted, "Why the hell are you still standing there? Go get a gurney, somebody!"

Without another word, someone rushed out of the OR to bring in a stretcher. Five of them lifted Meredith's limp body and placed her atop the white sheets. One of them placed a breathing mask over her face. The whole time, Cristina never let go of her friend's hand, and I couldn't do anything but watch Meredith's slight, lifeless frame as they rolled her out of the room.

I scrubbed out of the surgery as quickly as possible and ran to catch up with Meredith's running entourage.

"What the hell happened back there?" I demanded as I caught up to the rolling stretcher.

"She passed out, Dr. Shepherd," Cristina spat, as if it were my fault. "I would have thought that after years of your _obvious_ higher education, you would have realized that by now."

"Dr. Yang," I began warningly, but she cut me off before I could continue any further.

"Look, shut up, okay? I don't have time to deal with you right now. If you want to make yourself useful, go tell the Chief that Meredith passed out. And when you're finished with that, go call Dr. Hahn at Mercy West."

"Why?" I asked in bewilderment. "Why can't I--"

"You can't be with Meredith right now because one, you're not her doctor, therefore you don't have a clue about what's going on and two, she's unconscious. Not to mention, this whole thing is partly your fault. So go!"

I felt slightly miffed, being told what to do by an intern, but right then wasn't the time to be upset with Yang. She was still Meredith's best friend. And if I wanted to win Meredith back, I'd have to have Cristina on my side to do it.

The moment the gurney rounded the corner, I ran to the nearest elevator while pulling out my pager. First things first was to page the Chief. When I was finished with that, I ran to the nurse's station as soon as I could.

"I need to make a call, ASAP."

"Doesn't everybody?" one of the RNs said in a very bored voice. She gestured to the phone. After locating a directory and finding the number for Mercy West, I grabbed the receiver of the phone and dialed as fast as I could.

"Mercy West Hospital," a polite voice answered on the other end after two rings.

"Uh, hi, this is Dr. Shepherd from Seattle Grace. I really need to speak with Dr. Hahn. Could you put her on the phone, please?" My request came in a breathless rush, like I had been running a marathon.

"Sure hold on just oone moment," she said, drawing out the syllable of one in a way that drove me insane. Every moment this lady spent talking was a moment that could bring Meredith further into whatever danger she was in. And as much as I hated to admit it, my hands were shaking in uncontrollable fear.

"Hello?" I heard Dr. Hahn's voice on the other end after a few minutes of restless waiting.

"Dr. Hahn, this is Dr. Shepherd from Seattle Grace," I said very quickly, attempting to regulate the unevenness in my voice. "I'm calling on behalf of Dr. Grey--"

"What happened?" she asked very abruptly.

I hid my immediate confusion. "She passed out in the middle of surgery."

I heard her sigh. "Does Dr. Webber know?"

"Yes," I replied. Then, before I could stop myself, I asked, "If you don't mind me asking, Dr. Hahn, what's going on?"

I noticed her hesitation at the beginning. After a brief, yet excruciating pause, she replied very slowly, "Meredith has leukemia."

* * *

"_Meredith!"_

"_Look at me, Mommy!" I shouted as I spun as quickly as I could on the carousel. The familiar dizzy feeling was beginning to overtake me, and I loved every minute of it. I thought that if I managed to spin fast enough, I could take off and I would fly in the air and then I'd show all those kids at school that I wasn't lying._

"_Meredith, stop that! You could get hurt! Stop!"_

_But I didn't want to. I hadn't flown yet._

"_Meredith Grey, get off of that thing--right now!" Before I could protest, I felt a strong pair of hands grab me around the chest and pull me off the rotating carousel. My head gradually stopped spinning and my limbs were heavy and weighted down._

"_But Mommy," I whined, "I wanted to fly."_

_She scoffed. "That's ridiculous. People can't fly."_

"_But--"_

"_No buts," she said firmly as she set me on the ground and gave my bottom a sound smack. "Go to the car, I'll be there in a moment."_

_My knees were unsteady as I walked in the direction to the car. All I wanted to do was get back on the carousel and spin until I could forget about everything. I just wanted my mother to let me go and fly. I wanted to fly so badly._

_Then I remembered my knees giving out as I fell to the ground. I helplessly tried to pull myself up as my mother stood over me, directing me to do it myself._

* * *

"Yang!" I shouted the moment I saw her. I knew that I shouldn't have been upset with her, but I needed to hold onto my anger to keep myself from toppling into a pit of despair and anguish.

She stopped in her tracks and turned to face me, a defiant look in her eyes. "Can I help you with something, Dr. Shepherd?"

Without another word, I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her aside into an empty stairwell. A shot of pain ran through me when I remembered doing the exact same thing with Meredith on my first day of work, but I shook it off. I had to keep myself focused.

"Why didn't you tell me that she had leukemia?" I demanded fiercely.

"Look, she almost didn't even tell _me_, okay?" she hissed back, making sure that no one was around to hear. "She made me _swear_ to keep this a secret."

"But I think I _deserved_--"

"What, to get your face kicked in?" she cut right through me, her eyes alight in anger. "Because then yeah, I agree. But if you think for one moment that you _deserved_ any amount of information from either her or me, then you're wrong. Neither of us had any obligation to tell you anything."

"I _love_ her!" I shouted. I had lost all semblance of control at that point.

"So you abandoned her when she needed you the most? That's a great way of showing your love, _Dr. Shepherd_." She said my name mockingly, almost making it an insult.

"Look, I had a wife--"

"And you didn't tell her about it," Cristina said firmly. "She has leukemia and she didn't tell you about it. Consider yourselves even." And without another word, she swiveled on her heel and walked off.

I stood in that stairwell for a half hour at least. Then in a fit of rage and despair, I kicked the railing as hard as I could, battling to keep my tears from falling down my face.

Several moments later, the Chief came running down the stairs. "Meredith," he demanded the moment he saw me. "Where is she? Is she alright?"

I shrugged. "They won't let me in to see her," I said quietly.

"Damn it," he muttered. Then he turned abruptly on his heel and ran out the door.

"Wait," I shouted, running after him "You knew?"

"Of course I knew," the chief said in a huff. "She had a legal responsibility to report this to me. Not to mention, I have been a very close family friend."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I demanded.

He raised his eyebrows. "You have a wife, Derek. Other than true concern for a dear _friend_, you shouldn't be feeling anything for her."

"But the fact is that I don't. And you _knew_ that. No one should give a damn when she's dying!"

"You couldn't have done anything anyway," he gently reasoned. "When a loved one is seriously ill, there isn't anything anyone can do."

But I refused to believe that. I was a doctor, damn it. Of course I could do something about this. And I'd find a way.

* * *

"Meredith?"

I despaired at how weak I had become. First I couldn't stand in a eight hour surgery without fainting and now I couldn't open my eyelids. When I finally managed to force them open, the first thing I noticed was Cristina standing at my bedside.

"Meredith? Hey," she said very softly. I felt her hand squeeze around mine, so I tried to squeeze back. She must have recognized my pitiful attempt because her bottom lip began trembling.

"Mer," someone called. I turned my head slowly and saw the rest of my friends standing in the doorway of my very own hospital room.

My throat closed up as I tried to explain. How could I explain something like this? How could I tell them, these people that I loved and that loved me back, that I had perfectly valid reasons for deliberately keeping the truth from them?

"Excuse me, excuse me." Moments later, Dr. Hahn emerged from the crowd in my doorway. "Meredith," she said as she crossed the tiny space and picked up my chart hanging at the foot of my bed. "What happened?"

If I could barely open my eyes, how could I possibly answer her?

"She passed out in the middle of surgery," Cristina informed her.

Dr. Hahn nodded. "It's getting worse than I thought. Meredith, you'll understand that you can't possibly keep working under these conditions, right?"

I knew that was coming, but it didn't make it any easier.

"Yes," I said quietly. Cristina squeezed my hand.

"And we'll also need to start looking for potential candidates. For the bone marrow transplant."

"You're getting a--" George started, but abruptly stopped. My guess was Izzie elbowed him in the gut.

"Do you know anyone who might be a good candidate?" she asked. "A brother, a sister…?"

I shook my head. "I only have half-sisters. And a mom with Alzheimer's and a dad I don't really speak to."

"Parents and half-siblings aren't good candidates usually," she said. "So no one?"

"No. Not anyone that I can think of."

She sighed. "Well, we could try and contact them, see if it might work. I'll check the National Marrow Donor Program Registry, see if they might have something. Or would any of your friends like to get tested?" She turned to ask them

My throat closed up when I saw every single one of them nod. "Don't worry, Mer," Izzie said in a heartbreakingly husky voice. "We're there for you."

It meant so much more to me than I could possibly explain.

* * *

I knew better than to walk into Meredith's room right then, but I needed to know what was going on with her. So I waited for Dr. Hahn to finish up with her examination and exit the room until I ambushed her.

"Dr. Hahn?" I asked her.

She paused to give me an appraising look. "You must be Dr. Shepherd."

"Yeah. Um, how's she--?"

"Well actually she's doing terribly," she said very bluntly. "But that's only to be expected when you have AML."

My throat went dry. "Is there anything I can do?"

"You can't really do anything for her at this point. Chemo is doing more harm than good, so I'm going to try and see what a bone marrow transplant can do for her."

I swallowed in an attempt to get my vocal chords working. "Is there--is there any potentially good candidate?"

She sighed. "Unfortunately, no. But she's going to contact her family and all of her friends are getting tested."

And then suddenly, it came to me. I realized what I could do to show her that I loved her. "Dr. Hahn, I'd like to be tested."

Her eyebrows shot up. "You want to be tested? You want your bone marrow tested?"

"Yes."

She eyed me skeptically. "Why on earth would a hot shot brain surgeon want to go out on a limb for an intern?"

"Because I love her."

If my answer took her by surprise, she didn't show it. Instead, she gave a professional nod. "Alright then, Dr. Shepherd. Here's my card," she handed me a cardboard rectangle. "Call me when it's convenient and we'll get you tested."

"Oh, um, one more thing," I said before she turned to walk away. "I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell Meredith about this."

She sighed, but nodded. "What is it with Seattle Grace and secrets?" she muttered under her breath as she walked away.

_You have no idea_, I thought to myself.

**A/N - Wow, you guys absolutely blow me away. Sixty-seven reviews? I was so, so happy when I came home, I can't even begin to tell you. Keep it up you guys! I really love hearing your opinions.**

**On a different note, did you guys seen last Thursday's episode? When she said that Hannah had AML and needed a bone marrow transplant, I flipped out. I told my best friend about it in the car the next day. The conversation went something like this:**

**Me: "OMIGOSH, SHONDA RIMES AND I MUST BE SOUL SISTERS! I mean, there are four kinds of leukemia! What are the chances that we would pick the same kind?!"**

**Marc: "...one in four."**

**-pause-**

**Me: "Shut up."**

**But anyways, be sure to leave a review! You guys did such a wonderful job last chapter, so keep it up!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N - To MeredithGreyPotter1: I kept my promise. Though I probably should've held out for at least another chapter. But a promise is a promise, so enjoy.**

**Chapter 6**

_

* * *

_

This heart, it beats, beats for only you  
This heart, it beats, beats for only you

* * *

The moment Dr. Hahn left, Izzie, George, and Alex approached my hospital bed very cautiously. I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming amount of guilt, looking at all their pale, worried faces.

"Look, you guys," I began. They looked up into my face expectantly, waiting to her the explanation I had for them. I faltered the smallest bit. "I'm…I'm really sorry."

After a pregnant pause, Izzie asked in a broken voice, "Why? Why didn't you tell us? We live with you for crying out loud. We could have helped you, we could have given you the kind of care you need."

They waited for me to reply. It took me a while to gather my words. "I was scared," I admitted quietly. "I mean, yeah, I was scared for all the normal reasons and stuff, but…but I was really worried about what you guys were going to say and do. I was scared of telling you because I didn't want to draw even more attention to me and you guys already have so much crap going on and--"

"Meredith," Karev said in a surprisingly mature and serious voice, "you're dying. That pretty much trumps any personal issues any of us may have."

"But it doesn't matter now," George said, as he came closer to my bedside and rubbed my leg affectionately through the scratchy hospital blanket. "We're here for you now, and we're not going away."

Tears welled, a testament to how truly touched I was by my friends.

For once since I began my internship in Seattle Grace, I felt truly blessed.

* * *

"Hello?"

"Addie?" I whispered.

She must have realized the desperation in my voice, because her next words were, "Oh my God, Derek, what's wrong?"

"She's…she's…" I couldn't bring myself to say the words. I couldn't admit it.

"Meredith?"

"Yeah."

"What's wrong Derek? Did she hurt you?" She sounded indignant and almost belligerent at the thought.

I shook my head, but then remembered she couldn't see me over the phone. "No."

"Then what happened?"

"She's…got leukemia." I finally managed to choke out. "She's got leukemia and she passed out in the middle of one of my surgeries."

"Oh," she said as she realized what was going on. "Oh, Derek…"

"She didn't even tell me, Addie," I wept. I no longer bothered keeping those damned tears at bay. It was no use. After eleven years, she knew how to read my moods better than most. "She didn't even freaking tell me. How am--how am I sup…" I couldn't even a damn sentence.

"Derek," she said firmly and loudly, as if trying to catch me before I fell, "Derek listen to me. You have to be strong. You have to be strong for her, okay? I know you love playing the victim, but right now it's not about you. It's about Meredith. You need to pull it together for her."

"She won't even see me," I whimpered. Yes, I realize how unmanly that sounds right now, but you have to realize that the woman that I loved was _dying_. And she didn't even know that I loved her.

"Then force her to see you," she said. "When I first got to Seattle, I didn't take no for an answer. You can't either."

I swallowed. "She'll survive this, won't she?"

"Derek, I…" she sighed. "I honestly don't know."

Neither did I. I don't think anybody did.

* * *

Bailey walked into my room later that evening with a very severe, angry look on her face. "Just what the hell were you thinking?" she demanded. I physically winced at her tone. "Why in the world would you consider thinking _working_ while you have leukemia? You, of all people, know what could happen! You're a damn doctor! You are supposed to be smarter than this!"

"Dr. Bailey--"

"No shut up, it's my turn to talk."

I closed my mouth immediately.

"Now, I don't know if you realize this, but this hospital is full of people that _care_ about you. When you passed out in that OR, about ten people in this hospital lost their heads." Then her expression softened a little. "Whether you realize this or not, you are not Wonder Woman, and you can't handle all this on your own."

"Dr. Bailey--"

"Shut up, I'm still talking." Then she pulled my chart from underneath her arm. "We've made arrangements with Dr. Hahn, and you will be staying here under the supervision and care of your friends and those who care about you. If you have a problem with that, then tough luck because that's the way it's going to be." She closed the chart, tucked it back under her arm and glared at me. "Do you have any questions?"

I shook my head, completely thrown off but incredibly grateful. "Thank you," I said quietly. "For the above and beyond care, I mean."

"Yeah well," she said as she eyed me in that impatient Bailey-like way, "I have a feeling that Ellis Grey wouldn't appreciate it if we let her only daughter die." Then she turned quickly and said, "Oh, and by the way, rounds start in a few minutes, and I'm sure there are a couple of people who really want to say a few things."

As she walked out of my hospital room, she handed my chart to Alex Karev, who walked in the moment she exited.

"So," he said as he looked down at my charts. "You have AML."

"Yeah," I said stubbornly. "What of it?"

"Well you could have told us for one," he said as he unwrapped his stethoscope from around his neck. "You know…considering we're you're friends and all."

When I didn't say anything, he tucked his stethoscope away into his pocket and closed my charts. "Look," he said in his very straight forward, honest way, "this hospital is full of people who care about you. Not just Cristina Yang. The rest of us are pretty worried for you too."

"Why do you care?" I asked.

"Because believe it or not, I'm not an evil spawn, no matter how many times Yang calls me one. I really do give a damn."

Hearing Karev tell me that he gave a damn reassured me. I smiled tiredly at him. "Thanks. For giving a damn."

He smirked and said. "No problem. Call me if you need anything."

I nodded and the moment he walked out of my room, Izzie and George strode in. Izzie's lips were pressed into a thin line and her hair completely frazzled while George looked pale and stricken, as if I had already died. "Just what the hell were you thinking?" she almost screamed. "You've had AML for _four_ months, and you never told your roommates?"

"Izzie--"

"Mer, you're _dying_," George said in a choked voice. "I think we deserve to know."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Izzie now whispered.

"Because," I choked, "because I couldn't tell you. I didn't want you think I couldn't handle this. I didn't want to make you worry."

Izzie went from looking devastated to furious in two seconds flat. "Seriously? You didn't tell us that you were _dying_ because you didn't want us to worry?"

"That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life," George said stated very seriously.

"You can't possibly handle this on your own, and don't you dare say that you weren't on your own because you told Cristina. The fact is that you decided to be stupid and continue working without telling us what was going on. You were on _chemo_. You could have contracted something!"

"Mer," George said as he took a seat at the foot of my bed, "you get why we're upset right?"

Tears began to form. "Yes," I said quietly, "because I didn't tell you."

He shook his head, his eyes getting redder and redder by the moment. "No. We're upset because we don't want to loose you. And if you don't tell us that we're in danger of loosing you, then we can't do anything to help you."

Izzie's face softened again as she walked up to my bed and held my hand. "But now that we know what's wrong, we're going to do everything we can."

"Don't," I whispered. "Please don't."

Their faces turned down into a frown. "Don't what?"

"Don't treat my like a patient. I know better than that."

Izzie and George were silent for a moment, then nodded. "Alright," George conceded. "We won't treat you like a patient."

Satisfied, I leaned further back into my pillows. "So what's been going on in the hospital that I've missed?"

"Oh that's right!" Izzie said in excitement. "You never found out?"

"Found out what?"

"McDreamy's McSingle now," George said. "Addison left him to accept a fellowship back in New York."

So many different emotions began to rage through me in that moment. "He's getting a divorce?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yeah. So now you don't have to feel all McGuilty now," he said.

"By the way, he wants to talk to you," Izzie said. "As in now. He wants to talk to you now."

Pause. Then, "What?"

"We should go. Give you two some time alone."

"No!" I said as emphatically as I could in my weakened state. "Don't let him in here, don't leave me alone with him."

Unfortunately, my professed "friends" shook their heads. "We have to get on with rounds," George said gently.

"And besides, you're going to have to face him sooner or later."

"You owe him an explanation." And with that, the two of them waved and walked out my door. Right as they left, Derek sauntered in, his hands tucked into the pockets of his immaculately white lab coat.

I wish I could say that he looked good, but the case was the exact opposite. His hair wasn't the careful mess that it usually was; instead it was tangled and all over the place, almost like it hadn't been washed or even combed in quite awhile. It looked as if he hadn't shaved either, for he had more than his usual amount of facial hair spread across his angular jaw and there were dark bags under his haunted blue eyes.

"Mer," he whispered when he saw me.

I couldn't say anything. Even if he was leaving his wife, even I was dying, even if he was standing there in the doorway to my hospital room available and broken, I couldn't say anything. He was giving me that heartbroken McDreamy look, one that I missed so desperately.

"Mer," he said again as he came closer, stopping abruptly for a moment, turning towards the foot of my bed with indecisive, unsure movements. He finally began pacing back and forth so much that I almost got a headache watching him.

After several moments of excruciating silence, he whispered, "Why didn't you tell me?"

I suddenly found my voice. "Seriously?"

"Stop it, Meredith!" he suddenly shouted. "You were dying and you didn't even have the common courtesy--"

"Common courtesy?" I screamed. "Common courtesy? _You_ are going to lecture _me_ about common courtesy? Derek, you had a freaking wife! You were married to the most intelligent, the most beautiful neo-natal surgeon in the _country_ and you didn't tell me! And now you're going to tell me about common courtesy?"

"Addison doesn't have anything to do with this--"

"She has everything to do with this!" I shouted. Everything was unraveling, every little thought, feeling, emotion that I had buried deep inside of me was being unearthed. I hurled all of my frustration, all of my fear, all of my sorrow at him, wanting to hurt him as much as he hurt me. "You chose her! You chose her over me!"

I saw him wince at that one, but it was barely noticeable. "Still," he said in a quieter, softer voice, showing all his insecurities. "You should have told me."

"Why?" I shot. I didn't care if I was hurting him. I needed this. "Only to have you abandon me? Again?"

He winced again.

"People have been leaving me all my life, Derek," I spat. "And then you came along, and I thought you were going to be different. I thought you were going to be the guy that thought I was worth it. I thought you were the guy that would stick around. But you didn't. I told you I _loved_ you, but that still wasn't enough. _I_ wasn't enough. What was I supposed to do, Derek? You obviously didn't care. How could I tell you I was dying when you didn't care?"

"I did care," he said in a voice quivering in emotion. "I care more than you will ever realize."

"Prove it," I demanded. "Prove to me you care."

"I left my wife," he announced.

I looked him dead in those beautiful, devastating blue eyes. "That proves nothing. That only means that you're good at walking away."

**A/N - Woohoo! Go Meredith! I'm proud of my girl, she's finally sticking up for herself! Just confrontations abound in this chapter. So much was said and so little was revealed when you really think about it. But that's for later chapters. ;)**

**Questions? Comments? Concerns? REVIEW!**

**(Oh, and check out my blog for some important announcements that you guys need to read.)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

_

* * *

_

This heart, it beats, beats for only you  
My heart is yours

* * *

I am a complete and utter moron.

She hits the nail right on the head and reaffirms what I've known since junior high. She said that all I was good at was walking away and what do I do?

I freaking walk away.

Two days later, I'm still beating myself up about this. She just accused me of abandoning her and I walk away. I'm only proving her right.

Well, I refuse. I can't let her think she's right. I won't let her think she's right. She can't be right. I'm more than just a pair of two-million-dollar-a-year hands and legs that walks away whenever I'm forced to face the facts. I have to believe that I'm more than that. And I have to be more than that because if I'm not, then I don't deserve her.

That's why I found myself that night leaning against the empty nurse's station, holding Dr. Hahn's card in one trembling hand while holding my phone up to my ear in the other.

"Hello?" a voice answered.

"Dr. Hahn? This is Dr. Shepherd."

"Is Meredith okay?" was her first question. In that instant, I felt so grateful that she was so concerned for her patient, even if it was her duty.

"She's no worse than she was yesterday," I replied, which was true; I stole her charts when no one was looking.

"Good. So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this call?"

I swallowed. Don't walk away, Derek. Don't you dare walk away from this. "I'm calling because I want to get tested."

"Oh yes, that's right," she said. "Well tomorrow afternoon, two of her friends are coming to Mercy West to get tested. Would you like to come with them?"

My first reaction was no. I didn't want Meredith to know that I was getting tested and I knew the group she hung out with. Undoubtedly if they saw me, they'd tell her. But once again, I was running away. And if I was serious about winning her back, I'd have to go through her friends first.

"Okay," I finally conceded after a long, contemplative pause. This was the beginning; this was the beginning of my confrontations. "Okay," I repeated, as if to reassure not only Dr. Hahn, but myself.

"Alright then. Does four o'clock sound good to you?"

"Sounds great."

"Okay then. See you tomorrow, Dr. Shepherd."

* * *

"If Bailey sees me with this, I'm blaming it on you," Cristina hissed as she passed me the pint container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I eagerly accepted it into my bone brittle fingers.

"You are a true friend," I said gratefully after she handed me the spoon to go with it. Before anything else was said, I uncapped the container and dug in, relishing the luxurious feel of the icy cold cream melting across my tongue. "Oh this is pure heaven."

"So," Cristina said as she watched me enjoy my ice cream, "Evil Spawn and I are getting tested this afternoon."

"I know," I replied, trying to make a heavy situation lighter. "Evil Spawn told me."

Making sure no one was looking, she pulled out an extra plastic spoon from the pocket of her lab coat and dug in. "We're going to have to find a new name for him, you know."

"Yeah," I agreed. "Something less conspicuous."

"We could just call him Karev."

"That could work."

We stayed silent for a little while as we shoveled spoonfuls of ice cream up in our mouths. Then she said, "I overheard last night that McDreamy wanted to get tested."

A furrow etched its way in between my eyebrows. "What do you mean he wants to get tested? What kind of tested?"

"I think he meant to see if he's a good match for you," she said slowly.

I looked at Cristina in amazement before scoffing a little. "Whatever. He wouldn't get tested for me."

She looked like she wanted to say something, but decided against it. Instead, she told me the latest in hospital gossip and about the huge underground pool she had going on various situations: for example, whether or not really old guy in room four-oh-five was going to kick the bucket within the next month.

"You're the reason why no one trusts doctors anymore, you know that right?" I told her as we polished off the last of the ice cream. "Your bedside manners are horrible, I still don't get how you got in this program."

"Yeah, well…" she shrugged. "Be grateful I know you, otherwise you'd be treated like crap right about now."

I chuckled and threw the remnants of my forbidden treat into the trash can at the side of my bed. "Trust me, I am."

We didn't say anything for a little while, completely content to enjoy each other's company in silence. Then, she tentatively began with, "Look, Mer, about McDreamy getting tested…I really think he's getting tested for you."

"Whatever."

"I'm serious, I've never seen him this distraught before. He doesn't laugh or smile. He hasn't gone home since you collapsed. He looks absolutely horrible, and he keeps stealing peeks at your charts whenever he thinks that no one is looking."

I felt a pang of guilt and looked away.

"What did you say to him?" Cristina asked. "I know something happened, and don't brush me off and try to say that nothing did."

"Nothing happened," I said nonchalantly. "All I said was that he was good at walking away, and then he walked away. End of story."

"Mer," she said in that exasperated Cristina-esque way, "look, I know that he lied to you and I know that he was McJackass and all, and trust me, I'm all for making him squirm and stuff, but I really think that he loves you."

"I'll believe it when I see it," I said fiercely. "And until I see it, he's getting nothing from me."

* * *

"So, Dr. Shepherd," Dr. Hahn said very slowly as she took my blood, "care to tell me about this torrid affair you had with my patient?"

"Not really," I sighed, "but I'd rather you hear the version from me than the twisted one Meredith'll give you."

Then I told her. I told he everything about me finding out Addison was cheating on me, us finally getting a divorce, and every little detail in between. I told her about how I came to love Meredith, how scared I was when she was alone with that bomb, and how scared I was now.

"Wow," Dr. Hahn said in surprise as she cleaned the pin prick the needle made with a cotton ball of alcohol. "That is a pretty amazing story."

"You're telling me," I said as I unrolled my cuffs. "So, when will you have the results ready?"

"I'll send these down tonight. We've already got several of her other friends tested, so hopefully the results will come back soon."

"Did the registries have anything?"

Dr. Hahn shook her head sadly. "On preliminary search, there was nothing. But Meredith would actually rather prefer if we did this with one of her friends. It's understandable and most patients usually feel this way. I'm just worried that we won't be able to find anything."

I nodded. "Just, please, I don't want her to know that I'm getting tested."

"What if you're a good match?" she asked.

"Then I'll do the transplant. But I don't want her to know it was me."

She raised her eyebrows. "You're asking me to lie to the patient and to tell her that it wasn't you?"

"Just say that you found a match at the registry. I don't want her to know."

"That's ridiculous, Dr. Shepherd," she said harshly. "I know all of the stuff that's been going on between the two of you, but you still need to tell her. I can't keep these secrets for you people."

"Dr. Hahn, the likelihood of me being a potential match are pretty slim anyways. I doubt that you'll have to keep anything a secret anyways."

After a quick handshake, I walked out of the exam room and collided with a very tall figure. I looked up and found Burke standing before me.

"Dr. Burke?" I asked in surprise.

"Dr. Shepherd," he said cordially. "I should have known that you'd be here. Getting tested for Dr. Grey, I assume?"

"Naturally," I replied. "Why are you here?"

"For the same reason you are."

My eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Really? Is Cristina making you?"

"No," he said very calmly. "I'm here of my own free will." He recognized my shock and chuckled. "Don't make the mistake of thinking that you are the only attending that cares about Meredith Grey. She may be my girlfriend's person, but I also consider her to be a very close friend of mine. After what she did during that bomb scare, she earned my respect."

I couldn't begin to explain to him how grateful I felt to him in that moment. No words could possibly describe what was going through my mind, so I did the only thing I could do. I stepped forward and I wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders.

If he was shocked, he didn't let on. Instead, he reciprocated the hug comfortingly for a few moments.

"Thank you," I said in a choked voice when we pulled apart. "I know you're not doing this for me or Cristina, but it really means a lot that you…that you would…"

Burke patted me on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it. She'll get through this, Shep. She's a fighter."

I nodded. I knew she was a fighter, but I didn't know if she had the strength to keep fighting.

* * *

"Meredith, how are you?" Dr. Hahn said when she walked into my hospital room. In all honesty, I wasn't in any danger. My nose started bleeding and Cristina freaked out and called Dr. Hahn.

"I'm fine," I said in exasperation. And I wasn't lying; I hadn't felt any better or any worse than I had yesterday. But of course, as a patient, no one listens to you. Even if I was a doctor.

After a few standard check-up tests and looking over my stats, Dr. Hahn turned to me sympathetically. "Is it starting to drive you crazy yet?"

I snorted. "Crazy was two days ago. I'm past crazy."

She chuckled. "Well, if this is any consolation, of all the candidates we've tested, we've found a suitable match."

I sat up a little straighter in my bed. "Really?" I asked eagerly. "Who was it?"

She shook her head. "Anonymous donor from the registry. I don't have a name for you."

I slumped back. "So none of my friends matched?"

She shook her head again. "I'm sorry, Meredith. I know that's what you would have preferred, but none of your friends were a good enough match. The one we found for you isn't even a perfect match, and you'll risk bodily rejection of the marrow, but I'd rather risk rejection than GVHD."

I nodded. "So we're going through with the transplantation?"

"It's your decision, Dr. Grey," she said softly. "But right now, it's your only shot at survival."

I sighed. Survival. It seemed lately as if every waking moment of every waking day was spent fighting for my life. Was my life really worth fighting for anymore?

And then I remembered my friends' reactions. And I imagined what they would say if they heard me thinking like this.

"We'll go through with the transplantation," I said decisively. Because I was going to survive.

I had to survive.

* * *

"Dr. Hahn?" I asked the moment she stepped out of Meredith's room. Ever since Meredith's nose started bleeding that morning, I could think of nothing else.

Dr. Hahn jumped in surprise. "Dr. Shepherd," she sighed, "Don't you have patients? Or better things to do than jump colleagues and listen at doors?"

"Sorry," I amended. "Um, I heard you telling Meredith that you found a match. Do you mind me asking…?"

"Well it's a good thing you asked me, Shepherd," she said, "because the match is you."

My mouth went dry. "I'm the match?"

"Yes. I'm hoping you'll make good on your promise."

I didn't have enough saliva to respond, so I simply nodded in response.

**A/N - I think this story has reached the middle. After the transplant, there's a semi-explosive resolution and then the end.**

**You know the drill. Come on. You know you want to.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

_

* * *

_

This heart, it beats, beats for only you  
My heart is yours  
(My heart, it beats for you)

* * *

"So let's go over this again, just so we're clear," I said very slowly, trying my best not to freak out. Of course, I knew the procedures--I had to, considering it was part of medical school and all, but I needed to hear it. One more time. 

Dr. Hahn smiled. "We're going to start intensive chemotherapy and radiation to destroy your bone marrow. Because we are getting rid of your bone marrow, your immune system will essentially be crippled. During this time, you will be quarantined in a completely clean and antiseptic room to caution against any infection or contagious illness. Then we'll harvest the bone marrow from the donor and when your ready, we will transfuse it into you."

"Okay," I said as my eyes fluttered shut. "And we're going to start this today?"

"Yes."

I nodded. "Alright."

I pulled myself up straighter in the bed, getting ready to climb into the wheelchair that was offered me when I heard a faint knock on my door. Dr. Hahn and I looked up to see Derek standing in the doorway, looking like a beautiful mess.

"Hey," he said softly, "I uh, heard they're quarantining you."

I want to say that I was indifferent to his appearance. I want to say that my heart didn't crash against my ribcage the moment I saw him. I want to say that, but if I did, I'd be lying. And as much as I wished it didn't, it broke my heart to see him in such a state.

"Yeah," I said quietly as I slowly lowered myself into the chair. "They found a suitable donor, so they're going to start the chemo and radiation today."

At that moment, Dr. Hahn's beeper went off. After a few more moments, she murmured, "I have to get back to Mercy West right now. Bailey and Cristina know what to do, so they'll get you started. Dr. Shepherd?" she asked as she looked up at said doctor. "Will you roll her down to hematology? Thanks." And without another word, she strolled out of the room and down the hallway, off to answer her page.

Derek looked at me, uncertainty written all over his face. I frowned at him and crossed my arms, ignoring the discomfort as the IV needle dug further into my flesh. "As much as I hate to say this, I don't exactly have the strength to roll down to hematology by myself."

He jumped into action and quickly took the handlebars of my wheelchair. He rolled me down the hallway slowly and in complete silence. Neither of us said a word for a while.

I really, really don't like admitting this, but I missed him. I missed him near me, watching me, holding me and kissing me. I missed him. So I spoke up.

"I haven't seen you in a while," I said in what I hoped was a tone of indifference.

"Uh, yeah," he replied. "It's been kind of busy lately."

"Liar. You were avoiding me."

"I was not avoiding you."

"Then why haven't you visited?" I asked as we got into the elevator.

"Because I thought that was what you wanted," he replied. "I thought you wanted me to keep my distance."

I didn't. But I guess it was my fault that he hadn't visited in a while.

The rest of the trip was spent in silence.

* * *

I stood outside of her quarantined room, watching as her friends in yellow gowns and face masks talked to her and told her about the goings-on that she was missing. She laughed at something George said and it gladdened me to see that a smile could still make her the most beautiful woman in the world. 

"She misses you, you know." I turned around and saw Dr. Hahn standing next to me, watching the heartfelt scene unfold.

"How do you know?"

She shrugged. "I can just tell. Whenever any of her friends bring you up, she sits up a little higher and she pays closer attention."

I shook my head. "That doesn't mean anything."

She sighed. "Look, I know we're all fools in love and all, but this is getting ridiculous. I know you love her, and from what I can see, she obviously loves you. Why can't you just tell her that you love her and live happily ever after like you're supposed to?"

It was my turn to sigh. "If only it were that simple. It's just too…too complicated. So much has happened between then and now. I want to tell her that I love her, but she won't believe me. She won't--I need something to prove to her that I love her. I need to show her that I love her and care for her, more than she gives me credit for." I watched as she laughed again. "She deserves so much more than this."

The two of us were silent for a little while longer. "She deserves you, Dr. Shepherd. If you tell her that you're the donor, she'll come running back to you. I swear."

My pager went off and I glanced down at it. "If only it were that easy," I murmured as I walked off to answer the call.

Later that day, I was filling out some forms at the nurse's station when Dr. O'Malley walked up to me. "Dr. Shepherd?"

"Yes, Dr. O'Malley?"

He paused for a moment before continuing. "I heard you talking to Dr. Hahn earlier today. She said that you were Meredith's donor."

I sighed and closed the chart. "I am."

"With--with all due respect sir, why won't you tell her that it's you?"

"She doesn't want me to be her donor, O'Malley," I said. "She wants her donor to be a friend, and I'm not her friend. Better for her to think that it was an anonymous donor than to think it was from a jackass that walks away."

"Look," he began, "I know that you're an avoider and you walk away, but Meredith does that too. She runs whenever there's something that she has to face. She lives under, like, some banner of avoidance and doesn't tell anyone whenever something's wrong. She's just as bad as you."

I shook my head. "No she's not. An avoider wouldn't tell me that she loved me. An avoider wouldn't plunge her hand into a guy's chest to stop a bomb from exploding and killing everyone in the hospital. She deserves more than me."

Then O'Malley did something I would have never expected in a million years. He grabbed me by the collar of my scrubs and slammed me against the nearest wall. Everyone stopped and stared at the intern threatening the attending, the attending that wasn't putting up a struggle at all. "Listen you pompous jackass," he said fiercely, "she loves you. I don't know why, but she does. So now you have two options: you can be your regular McJackass self and walk away from an amazing woman who loves you, or you can accept her love and rerurn it. It's up to you now." And then he let me go and walked away before I could say anything in return.

I watched the intern walk away, wondering to myself when I decided to let myself get pushed around by my supposed underlings. But the worst of it was the fact that said underling was right.

* * *

"So, how're you feeling, Meredith?" Dr. Hahn said as she injected another dose of chemotherapy into the tube of the cannula attached to the back of my hand 

The chemo and radiation was definitely taking a greater toll than I had expected. I mean, I knew I would have no more bone marrow left and with that, I would have no more immune system, but the weakness was overwhelming. I could hardly keep my eyes open anymore.

"Pretty horribly, Dr. Hahn," I murmured. "Not gonna lie."

She chuckled. "Well, lucky for you, you're almost ready for transplantation. After this dose and after the marrow harvest, we'll start the transfusion."

"And when will that be?"

"Hopefully at the end of the week," she said. "Now, Meredith, I just want to remind you that it isn't a perfect match. Your marrow and the donor's marrow has a Type I gene mismatch, meaning that your body could reject the marrow."

I nodded. "I know. But at this point, I'm ready to try anything."

Dr. Hahn nodded. "Okay then. I just want to make sure you know."

"Dr. Hahn?" I asked as she began to walk out of the quarantined area.

"Yes?" she asked as she turned around.

"Do you know who the donor is?"

She smiled sadly. "I do, but the donor wishes to remain anonymous. You can understand, right?"

I bit my lip and nodded. "Yeah. I understand."

"Good. I'll see you later, Meredith. Try not to get any worse."

"Will do, Dr. Hahn."

A few moments after she left, Derek tentatively entered. I couldn't see his face because the lower half was covered with a mask, but I could still read the tortured look in his eyes. For the first time, I felt guilty. I knew I was making him like this, I knew that it was my fault that he hadn't been getting any sleep or any sort of decent rest since he learned of my diagnosis. And it killed me to see him so sad and helpless. Despite my anger, or perhaps in spite of it, I wanted to climb out of bed and wrap my arms around him until everything was okay.

"Hey," he murmured. "Dr. Hahn told me the transplant might be later this week."

"Yeah," I said.

"Are you nervous?" he asked.

"A little," I admitted. "I'm kind of scared that I won't accept it."

"Me too," he said and I felt the corners of my lips lift in a half smile. Seemingly encouraged by my non-negative reaction, he continued. "I uh, just wanted to say good luck."

"Yeah," I murmured. "Thanks."

He nodded and we just watched each other, like we hadn't in a while. We watched each other in sort of a sad, reminiscent way, hoping that it wouldn't be the last opportunity we could do this. And I knew that he missed me just as much as I missed him.

"Okay, well," he said, "I need to go home. Get some rest."

"Yeah," I nodded. "You do. You look like crap."

He chuckled in response. "Bye, Meredith."

The unspoken words hung between us, waiting to be dug up, sent and received like they should have been so long ago. Those three words that would have made all the difference.

But he left, leaving those words buried and unsaid. And leaving the both of us unsatisfied and incomplete.

* * *

"Dr. Shepherd?" Dr. Karev asked as he approached me with some labs and chart. "I have a patient that needs a consult--" 

"I can't, Dr. Karev," I said. "Page Dr. Hamilton, I have an appointment right now."

Dr. Karev stopped and watched in confusion for a few moments. Then realization dawned across his face. "So you're donor guy."

I stopped abruptly and looked at him in amazement. "How in the world did you know?"

"I didn't. I just had a hunch," he said. "But now that you've admitted…"

I shook my head. "Honestly, you interns," I murmured as I shrugged my lab coat and threw it over my forearm. "You are the craziest group I think I've ever met."

"It's what we do," Karev said with a shrug. "But that's not the point, right now. You're the donor, and you're not telling her. Why aren't you telling her?"

"Because," I said, tired of explaining this, "because she wants it to be someone she trusts. She doesn't trust me."

"Are you _planning_ on telling her?"

"Look," I said abruptly as I turned to face him. "This is between me, Meredith, and Dr. Hahn. You are not a part of this equation. So if you would just please, stay out of it. This doesn't involve you." And before he could say another word, I walked off to the hematology floor, wanting to escape this all.

_Walking away_, I heard Meredith say in my mind. _Walking away again_.

I shook my head, trying to get rid of her voice. I wasn't walking away. The sooner I did this, the sooner she could get well.

When I got to the hematology floor, Dr. Hahn greeted me and led me into an empty OR. After I changed into a regulation hospital gown and put a cap over my hair, I walked into the room adjacent to the scrub room. "Are you ready?" she asked.

"Yeah," I sighed. "I'm ready."

"Alright," she said. "Let's do this."

* * *

"Where's blondie?" Karev asked when he walked into the room. 

"Which one?" I inquired.

"Dr. Hahn. Where is she?"

"She said she went to go harvest the marrow. We're going to do the transfusion tomorrow."

"Exciting," he said.

"Yeah," I replied. "I'm a little nervous, but I think I'm ready." I glanced at him and saw him bite his lip, as if he wanted to say something. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You look like you want to say something."

After a moment of deliberation, he said, "Look, don't tell him I told you because he would murder me, but Derek's your guy. You two belong with one another."

I watched eyed him suspiciously. "What are you talking about?"

"You and McDreamy. Look, I know you two have been doing this awkward little dance for a long time now, but it's time you stop. You could die, this might not work out. Why won't you just give him the benefit of a doubt?"

"Because he has to earn it," I said simply. "But I don't see why you're getting so passionate about this. It's none of your business."

"What if he already earned it?"

"He hasn't," I said adamantly. "He hasn't earned it. I'd know if he did."

"I wouldn't be so sure," he replied. "What if I told you that he was donor guy?"

"That's impossible. Why would he be donor guy?"

"Because he loves you."

"But…" I trailed off. My first reaction was disbelief. He couldn't be donor guy. But then again, why would Alex Karev lie to me? He doesn't lie.

And then it all made sense. Why Derek was so quiet on the subject, why Dr. Hahn wouldn't say anything, why everyone was telling me to give him another chance. Derek was donor guy.

"Oh my God," I murmured. "Derek's donor guy."

"Yeah," Karev replied. "What are you going to do?"

I didn't know. But one thing I did know was why I loved him. This realization made me remember why I had fallen in love with the guy in the first place. And he was the reason why tears were streaming down my face. "I don't know."

"Look," Karev said in what he must have thought was a comforting manner, "if it's any consolation, I don't think he knows what he's doing either."

I laughed through my tears. Derek loved me, and because of that, he was my donor guy.

**A/N - So you guys saw the previews for next episode, right? I'M SCARED TO DEATH. And after I saw the previews and after my team lost, I wrote this entire chapter in anger. To let the frustration out. UGH I'M SO UPSET RIGHT NOW.**

**Anyways, so I took Jumper-Lover191's suggestion and had Alex be the one to tell Meredith that Derek was the donor. Tell me what you guys think about the chapter, kay? Thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate you guys more than you know.**


	9. Chapter 9

"Meredith?" 

I looked up and couldn't help but smile when I saw Derek. Even in a yellow gown, hair net, and mask, he still managed to play the part of McDreamy so well. But after my initial happiness upon seeing him, I frowned when I saw the grave look in his eye. "Derek?" I asked slowly. "What's wrong?"

He took a deep breath before answering. "Look...I-I'm sorry, Meredith, but I can't be with you. I know I gave you a transplant, but there's this other girl. She writes fics and she's just amazing. You understand, right?"

It stung a little. But that look on his face...that hopeful face...I couldn't get in the way of that.

"Of course I understand, Derek," I said as I tried to smile as best as I could. "You go get her, Derek."

**A/N - JUST KIDDING! LOL, that was for MeredithGreyPotter1. Hahaha...now onto the real chapter.**

**Chapter 9**

_

* * *

_

This heart, it beats, beats for only you  
(It beats, beats for only you. My heart is yours)

* * *

"So do you want me to talk to you during this whole procedure, or are you one of those guys that would just rather clutch the pillows and not talk while I extract several pints of some weird red fluid from your butt bone?" Dr. Hahn asked, her voice slightly muffled through her mask. 

I chuckled nervously. "I don't mind if we talk."

"Good," she said, "because quite frankly, I find all this Seattle Grace drama incredibly fascinating. I mean, you just don't get this kind of soap opera action at Mercy West."

"You can do without it, I'm sure," I murmured.

"Yes, but it's _boring_," she emphasized. "I've never seen two people attached to each other by a pole, or a paramedic holding a bomb steady in some guy's chest."

"It's boring but safe," I said as I recalled the horrible, ulcer inducing memories of Meredith tending to the large gash on her forehead from the explosion. "You were never scared out of your mind that someone very close to you might get blown up because she was trying to do the heroic thing and save the entire hospital."

"I can't imagine what you were going through," she said softly.

"No, you can't," I conceded. "When Cristina Yang walked back into the OR and told me that Meredith was holding the bomb, I felt…I just felt as if everything I had ever known, everything I had ever wanted or worked for in my life didn't matter. It would never matter ever again if she didn't make it out of there. If she--if she died, I wasn't sure I would know how to keep living."

After a contemplative pause, Dr. Hahn muttered, "That's damn near poetic, Dr. Shepherd."

"That's why she has to survive this," I swallowed. "Because if she doesn't, I won't either."

"On that note," she began, and I instantly knew where she was headed, "are you ever planning on telling her that you were the one that saved her life?"

"It might not even work, Dr. Hahn. Her body might not accept my marrow."

"Well, see that's the thing," she said as I felt the needle being pulled out of my skin, "I've come to realize over the years that marrow donated by loved ones, even if it's not a perfect match, tends to be accepted more readily than anonymous donations. Personally, I think it's a psychological thing. Like you're more willing to fight for your life when someone is on your side."

A pensive silence descended over us as I thought on her words.

"You know, from what I've heard of the hospital gossip and all, everything always seems to happen to Meredith Grey," Dr. Hahn observed. "She's always the center of Seattle Grace drama."

I laughed humorlessly. "You know, I've noticed that too. If I didn't love her so much, I think I might've already given up."

* * *

"Seriously?" Cristina asked. 

"So what do I do?" I asked desperately. "Do I just let him go on thinking that I don't know, or do I tell him about it?"

She shrugged. "Beats me. Stuff like this never happens, this is not in my book."

I sighed. "So he loves me."

For the first time in a long time, I saw her smile. "He loves you."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

We stayed like that for a few moments in complete silence, letting the enormity of the truth (the fact that he loved me) wash over us. After the prolonged quiet, Cristina looked at me and said, "You know--for what it's worth--he's a good guy. He's a good guy that loves you. Not many of those come along everyday."

I nodded. "You're right."

"So just give him a chance."

"I was planning on it."

Just then, Cristina's pager went off. She flipped it over to check who it was and smiled at me sadly. "Bailey. I have to go."

I nodded, a little jealous that she was continuing her internship and growing as a surgeon while I was stuck in bed, debating on whether or not to tell the man I loved that I knew he was the donor.

"Oh, by the way," she added as she got up from the chair she was sitting in, "Burke asked me to marry him."

My eyes widened. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. And I said yes." Even though she was wearing a mask over the bottom half of her face, I could tell that she was smiling widely, incredibly pleased and happy for herself.

"Oh, Cristina!" I sighed. "That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you!"

"Which is another reason you have to get better," she said, "because I want you as my maid of honor at the wedding and if you're not there then it just wouldn't be the same."

I grinned. "I'm on it."

"Good." And without another word, she walked out of the quarantined area, pulling the mask off he face as she went.

* * *

"Dr. Shepherd?" 

I turned around slowly, trying not to upset my already sore body. Maybe I should have accepted the wheelchair one of the nurses offered. When I had fully turned, I saw George and Izzie standing there, watching me in pity and uncertainty. "Dr. Shepherd, do you need any help?" Izzie asked as she slowly approached.

I was about to say no, but the rational side of my brain smacked me in the face. Instead, I nodded tiredly and watched as George ran off somewhere and Izzie walked over to me to put my arm around her shoulders. George returned a few moments later with a wheelchair and the two of them helped me into it.

"According to Dr. Hahn, you're under strict orders to go home and wait until you get your strength back before coming back to work," Izzie said as she rolled me to the elevator.

"Yeah," I said quietly. "I know. I was there."

When the three of us were in the elevator, George pressed the button for the ground floor and watched in silence as the doors sliced through our view of the OR as they closed. The quiet continued on for a few more moments until Izzie said very quietly, "We really appreciate what you did for her. For Meredith. I--I can't tell you, how much…" words were difficult for her at that point, as her voice started to waver. "It's just--it's just that Meredith--and you…"

I couldn't see either of them, since I was staring straight at those stainless steel doors, but I nodded my acknowledgement. "I understand," I said in a voice that wasn't very steady either. "I had to do it."

The elevator doors opened and George took hold of my chair and wheeled me out of the automatic doors of Seattle Grace and into the parking lot, where my car was parked. I couldn't properly manage the pedals of a car and George's shift was ending in a half hour anyway, he took my keys and drove me home after the two of them helped me into the car.

The first half of the ride was silent. Then, George said in a very low voice, "Dr. Shepherd? I'm--I'm sorry about the other day. When I pinned you against a wall. That was uncalled for and I shouldn't have done it."

I sighed. "No, I deserved that. I deserved to get pinned up against a wall."

"It's just that--it's just that she needs you. She needs you more than she's willing to admit."

"I know."

"So what are you going to do?"

I sighed. "Honestly, O'Malley, I don't know at this point. Right now, I'm just praying that she survives this."

I saw him bite his lip in the corner of my eye. "She'll survive this," he said confidently, though a bit hesitantly. "She'll survive this. She's a fighter."

"I hope so," I whispered. "God I hope so."

* * *

"Are you ready, Meredith?" Dr. Hahn asked through her face mask. 

I nodded. Truth was, I was a little more nervous than I liked to admit and there was some strange sort of electricity spreading through my body. Like the cancer knew that something major was happening, like it knew that a major battle was about to be waged for my life and for better or for worse, everything was going to change.

"We're here for you, Meredith," Izzie said. I glanced up at my friends, all standing there and waiting with me, waiting for the bone marrow to be infused in my body.

"Thank you," I whispered. For hopefully the very last time, Dr. Hahn inserted the IV into my arm and began the infusion.

It was such a strange experience, having Derek's bone marrow inside my body. It was almost like a sexual experience, only--only more profound. I felt more connected with him than I ever thought possible as a sense of calm washed over me. It was in that instant that I knew that everything was going to be okay. Derek had given me this chance, this opportunity to survive, to beat out the cancer, and I didn't want to waste it. It made me want to live.

I wanted to live to finish my residency and become the best surgeon I could. I wanted to live so I could show my mother that I could meet the standards that she set, and even surpass them.

I wanted to live for Izzie and George and Alex.

I wanted to live for Cristina and her wedding. I wanted to lead the way down the aisle, and watch her get married to the love of her life.

I wanted to live for Derek, to tell him that I loved him and that he was the only one for me.

My life wasn't over yet, and I refused to let this be the end of me. I had to fight this because there was still so much left that had to be said.

**A/N - I know this took me a while, but so much has been going on for the past two weeks. I'm graduating on Sunday! (If you guys read my blog, then you already know that.) But there was a lot of stuff that needed to be done before Sunday took place, so all my stories had to take a backseat for a while. But now all my final projects have been turned in and I am done with finals! So my writing time from now on will be pretty much unlimited.**

**A lot's going on in this chapter. And I just want to let you guys know--I was close to tears when I was writing the second half. It might be a little rushed, but I don't care. I don't care because I think this is really good and I'm very proud of it. I hope you guys like it too.**

**I'd just like to say, this story has honestly surpassed all my expectations for it, and for that I love each and every one of you. Keep it up!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N - I'm so sorry! -hangs head- There really is no excuse for the long wait. It's actually due more to laziness than anything. But hopefully this chapter makes up for it. ;)**

**Oh, and I don't own "The Way You Look Tonight".**

**Chapter 10**

_

* * *

_

_My heart, my heart is yours  
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)  
My heart, my heart is yours  
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)_

* * *

The next day, I went in to see her after her infusion. I watched her lay in her bed, sleeping peacefully with a hint of a content smile in the corners of her lips. Her cheeks, though, were still pale and hollow, the ghost of a once healthy, happy human being. Well, maybe not so happy, but definitely healthy.

"Hey, Mer," I said softly. I knew it was pointless to be saying this to her when she wasn't even awake, but I needed to say it. I needed to get it out into the open, otherwise it would continue to fester in my soul. "So, um…I heard that the infusion went well. I-I just wanted to let you know that I donated the bone marrow. And I, uh…well I asked Dr. Hahn to keep it a secret from you. I guess I just wanted you to think that the marrow was from someone you trusted instead of a jerk that walks away." At this point, I took Meredith's cold hand in my gloved ones and looked at her sleeping face intently, as if she were awake. I could almost picture those piercing blue-green irises staring back at me. "I know that I keep a lot of secrets from you. I know that I should have told you and given you so much more than I have. But I want you to know right now that I love you. I loved you when you told me you loved me. I loved you when I showed you my trailer, I loved you when I saw you on my first day of work…heck, I loved you when I first saw you at that bar. And I'm an idiot for not telling you sooner. I'm an idiot for not telling you this when you're awake," I murmured as a side note to myself. "But you have to live through this. You _have_ to. Because if you don't, then I won't. I love you. I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. So please, please get well. Please, Meredith. I'm begging you."

At that moment, Meredith's eyelids fluttered open slowly. When she registered my face, she smiled softly, still a little groggy from her sleep and the medication she was on. "Hi," she murmured.

"Hi," I said back with a soft smile.

"So," she said with a sleepy smile, "how are you?"

"I've been better."

"Still sore from the harvest?" she asked concernedly.

"Yeah, I--wait, how did you know?" I asked bewilderedly.

She smiled wider. "Derek, even if Karev hadn't told me, even if I hadn't seen you in a wheelchair, I would have known that it was you. The moment the infusion started, it just felt…I don't know, it just felt like home. Like I had found a home in you."

To my shame and absolute horror, tears began to well in my eyes. "Meredith…"

"Derek, I'm going to live because of _you_. Because of what you gave me." It made me feel a little better that she was starting to cry as well. "I'm going to survive this, because I love you. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

I don't know what came over me in that instant. It must have been a combination of happiness, relief, excitement and love or maybe I was just insane. All I know was that when I looked into her eyes, I knew that she was the one. She was the girl that could give me so much more than Addison ever could. She was the girl that I wanted to give my heart to. She was the one, the only one I wanted to spend the rest of my days with. And so with such confidence and surety that I had never before felt, I said, "Mer, will you marry me?"

* * *

I stared at Derek for a little while, sufficiently shocked speechless. When I finally managed to find my voice, I said very slowly, "I'm not sure I heard you correctly. I _think_ I heard you asking me to marry you, but that can't possibly be right because--" 

"Mer," he cut across me very smoothly and very gently, a beautiful smile shining in his watery blue eyes, "You don't have to answer me right now. Take all the time you need because I don't want you to think this is a mistake. But do know that I love you. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You're it for me."

I couldn't help but frown a little. I mean, he just got out of a divorce with Addison and I was still battling leukemia. This wasn't exactly the best time to get married.

"I have an idea," I told him playfully. "How about we get to know each other first before we promise ourselves to each other for all eternity. You know, without the ex-wife and the cancer."

The corners of his blue eyes crinkled in that beautiful McDreamy smile that I knew was meant just for me. Just for me. "I like the sound of that."

I smiled back, feeling relieved, loved, and truly, truly blessed. "I do too."

**

* * *

**

**Four Years Later**

"I'm so sorry I'm late," Meredith said in a breathless rush as she hurried to sit down in her chair. "There was a last minute tracheotomy and Dr. Wallace was on-call last night, so I had to do it."

"Meredith," I interrupted while giving her the most reassuring smile that I could, "It's okay. I understand, I promise."

She smiled back. "Okay, good." At that moment, the waiter came by and gave her a menu.

Four years did her a lot of good. Instead of that pale, stick-thin figure she had once been, she had meat on her bones, color in her cheeks and hair on her head. And wherever she went, she had a smile on her face. It wasn't a fake smile, or a half smile. It was a full blown smile, one that announced to the world that she was happy, healthy and in love. And the greatest part about that smile was it said that she was in love with me.

"So," I after I gave her a few moments to look over the menu, "you look lovely tonight."

And she did. She had on a pretty black dress with straps that clung to her shoulders and hugged all the curves that I still hadn't memorized. Her honey blonde hair was pinned up haphazardly in an elegant up-do and she had on crazy heels that would have killed any lesser woman.

"Why thank you," she said coyly. "Tonight is a special night."

"Yes it is," I agreed, remembering this night four years ago. When she woke up from her deep sleep, several hours after the bone marrow infusion took place. Luckily for us, her body took to the bone marrow like a fish takes to water and there she sat in front of me, cancer free for three years. Maybe it was her drive to live, to survive from something that tried to rip the life from her body, her will to battle something unwelcome and wholly detested and live for her friends and those who loved her. I don't know what it was, but in the end she was alive. And in all honesty, that's all that mattered.

"So you do remember," I teased, fingering the black velvet box in my pocket a little nervously. It took me forever to decide what I should have done with the ring. Should I be cliché and put it in a glass of champagne? Should I ask the chefs to bake it into the cake? Should I just get down on one knee right after desert and profess my love for her like I do every single night before we go to bed, except with a ring? Even as she sat down, I still didn't know what to do with it. So I decided to play the thing by ear.

After we ordered, we talked lightly about several really weird cases in the hospital. That line of conversation carried us through the appetizers and by the time the main course rolled around, we were talking about Cristina and Burke's upcoming nuptials.

"I just can't believe Burke let her put it off for four years," I said incredulously. "He's not exactly patient."

"I'm just grateful that she finally set a date," Meredith replied. "Now I can just dread one day instead of worrying about all the others."

I frowned. "Do you not like marriage?"

She shook her head. "I like marriage just fine. I'm just scared about Cristina and her wedding ceremony. You know what she's like on a regular basis. Just imagine her in a white dress and a mosquito net over her face."

I shuddered a little. It was a fearsome sight to imagine.

After the main course, we contemplated desert and Meredith declared her desire for something to satisfy her sweet tooth, but her regret of the fact that her stomach was not, in fact, empty enough to hold an entire chocolate cheesecake by herself. So we decided to split it. When it came down to the last forkful, she smiled at me and said, "You can have it."

I grinned when I remembered what it was in reference to, so I knew better than to argue. "Thanks," I said as I scooped it off the plate and into my mouth, making sure to savor the final, creamy bite.

A few moments later, the band on the main floor started playing "The Way You Look Tonight". Without a second's hesitation, I got out of my chair and offered her my hand. "May I have this dance?"

The corners of her lips twitched a little. "I thought you didn't dance."

"Tonight's a special night," I reminded her. Her smile widened as she stood gracefully from her chair and took my hand. I led her onto the dance floor and wrapped my arms around her waist and held her close to me.

_Some day, when I'm awfully low,  
__When the world is cold,  
__I will feel a glow, just thinking of you…  
__And the way you look tonight_.

She buried her face into my shoulder and breathed a perfect sigh. "Derek, I love you."

My arms tightened around her and I inhaled the lavender of her locks. Even after all these years, the scent still made me weak. "I love you too."

_Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm,  
__And your cheeks so soft,  
__There is nothing for me but to love you,  
__And the way you look tonight_.

I felt her heart beating against my own chest, and my heart slowed to beat with hers. We swayed softly to the lilting music, letting the rhythm of our hearts speak for us. I wanted to stay like this, with her forever. I wanted to hold her in my arms, listening to a Frank Sinatra impersonator for the rest of my life. I wanted to breathe her scent and feel her silky smooth skin underneath my fingertips. I wanted her eyelashes resting against the crook of my neck for all eternity, never leaving my side.

I wanted Meredith. And I would go to the ends of the earth to have her.

_With each word your tenderness grows,  
__Tearing my fear apart…  
__And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,  
__It touches my foolish heart_.

That moment was suspended in time. My eyes closed as I struggled to memorize everything about this night: the number of members in the band, the feel of her honey colored locks against my cheeks, the gentle pressure of her arms resting on my shoulders. I knew that I could never stand on my own after this. She held the other half of me, the other half of my identity. Without her, I didn't know who I was. And I wouldn't have had it any other way.

_Lovely…never ever change.  
__Keep that breathless charm.  
__Won't you please arrange it?  
_'_Cause I love you…just the way you look tonight_.

Discreetly, I reached into my pocket and pulled the ring from the box without her noticing. "Meredith?" I whispered as I pulled away.

"Hmm?" she asked as she lifted her head to look at me.

I unwrapped her arms from around my neck and held her hands loosely in mine. With practiced surgical dexterity, I gently slipped the ring on her finger without her noticing. "Will you marry me?"

Watching her face break into a grin was like watching a flower bloom in fast motion. "Yes," she whispered. "I love you, Derek. I love you."

"Good," I said as I took her left hand and touched her knuckles to my lips. Then she noticed the glint of the diamond in the soft restaurant light.

"Oh my God!" she squealed when she saw the ring. "Derek! Oh my God!"

I chuckled. "Happy anniversary."

**A/N - Yay! This story is coming to a close. One more chapter to go. Maybe two. It depends on whether or not I can accomplish everything in one chapter.**

**Reviews (as always) are greatly appreciated!**


	11. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_

* * *

_

_My heart is yours  
My heart is yours  
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)  
My heart is yours  
My heart is..._

**

* * *

**"God, this was the worst idea ever," Cristina muttered to herself as she shifted the mass of lace and chiffon pooling at her feet out of the way. "We never should have done a double wedding." 

Two hours before the ceremony and I was agreeing wholeheartedly. It was bad enough when one of us freaked out about our commitment issues. At least then one of us was indisposed enough to talk the other one down from the balcony. Well, now both of us were experiencing the proverbial cold feet and we were too wrapped up in our own issues to console each other. Not to mention, we were both desperately trying to recover from the mind bending hangovers that currently plagued us. Izzie, who was pulling double duty and acting matron of honor for the both of us, managed to throw us the craziest bachelorette party, complete with toilet paper, edible underwear and more than enough tequila and vodka to go around.

At that moment, said matron of honor walked into the room with her garment bag draped over her arm and the biggest smile on her face. "Only two more hours you guys! Aren't you excited?"

"Loud," Cristina groaned. "Why did you let me drink so much vodka?"

"Oh come on Cristina!" Izzie exclaimed. Unfortunately for Izzie, I agreed with Cristina. I was itching for a scalpel so I could cut her throat open and rip out her vocal chords. "It's your wedding day! You should be happy!"

"I never got that memo," I muttered as I banged the back of my head on the wall I was sitting against. "I feel nauseas."

Izzie bit her lip, then brightened, as if she had just realized something. "Wait here. I'll be right back."

A half hour later, she came back with two tall glasses of the vilest looking greenish black liquid I had ever seen in my life. "Drink this. It works miracles for hangovers, trust me."

Cristina's nose wrinkled when she looked at the stuff. "What's in it?"

"Coffee, Red Bull, salt, and lemon juice."

Cristina and I shot each other very wary glances before accepting the glasses. On any other day, we wouldn't have gone within two feet of the stuff. Unfortunately, it was our wedding day, and we couldn't promise ourselves to our better halves with huge headaches and sunlight/sound issues.

An hour and a half after we chugged the toxic stuff down with pinched noses, we were waiting out the huge chapel doors, clad in our beautiful white wedding gowns with our hair up, our faces painted, and feet already aching in our four inch heels with butterflies in our stomach rather than throbbing temples.

I reached over with my free hand to grasp Cristina's cold fingers. "Cristina, I'm scared."

She squeezed my hand comfortingly. "So am I. But we can do this."

"We can?"

"Yes. If you can survive cancer and I can survive you having cancer, then we can get married. It's time for our happy endings, damn it."

I nodded emphatically. "You're right. This is our time."

Izzie wrapped her arms around our shoulders and squeezed us towards her. "The both of you will be _fine_. I promise."

Callie smiled. "Not to mention, you're both drop dead gorgeous."

We smiled tentatively at her. "Thank you."

After going through our vows once more, we heard the organ play the ominous wedding march from the other side of the chapel doors. I squeezed Cristina's hand one last time. "Now or never."

She squeezed back and nodded. "Now or never."

* * *

I surveyed the interior of the chapel while trying to quell the nervous butterflies that continued to beat their wings against the walls of my stomach. The chapel seated two hundred and every single pew was filled. Burke, Cristina, Meredith and I decided to forego the traditional bride's side, groom's side thing because we had so many mutual friends that it made the whole idea pointless. Instead, all the females in the room sat on the right side while all the men sat on the left. And each pew was decorated with a flower arrangement of white Easter lilies and some green stuff that I didn't know the name of with yards and yards of chiffon strung between each. Needless to say, the place looked great. 

"Nervous?" George asked Burke and me. I have to admit, I was a little wary at first when Burke suggested that the boyish intern should act as our mutual best man, but I was grateful that he was. He took care of the both of us better than anyone else would have.

"A little," we both admitted.

"Don't worry," Karev, who was acting as the second groomsman said as he clapped my shoulder. "This isn't your first wedding, so no surprises, right?" Then he leaned in and whispered in my ear, "O'Malley and I have a pool going. I have twenty bucks that says Yang's gonna run. You want in?"

Under any other circumstance, I would have laughed. Instead, I shook my head and concentrated on alleviating the heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach when he mentioned one of the brides running.

Then the wedding march began. I clasped my hands tightly in front of me to stop the trembling from becoming too apparent. The doors slowly opened and Callie slowly began the bridal procession. Izzie followed not soon after.

I held my breath as Cristina and Meredith came up to the doorway. Cristina looked beautiful in her own right, with her strapless white gown of lace and chiffon. But she was still nothing compared to my Meredith.

The bodice of Meredith's gown was a strapless, corseted top with sparkling beads sewn in. The skirt was made of white satin that gathered into some sort of knot in the front, giving a sort of layered, tiered effect. The hair that took four years to grow back was gathered up in an elegant up-do, and nestled in her honey colored locks was a delicate tiara encrusted with tiny diamonds.

The back of my throat closed up when she smiled at me. I smiled back as I felt my eyes glaze over with a layer of tears. I was finally marrying Meredith, my Meredith. After all the crap, all the drama, all the stuff we had to work through, we finally made it to this moment.

Words could not describe how I felt.

When the brides finally made it to the front of the chapel, the ceremony began. After some words from the priest and the rabbi, Cristina and Burke exchanged vows. Then it was Meredith's and my turn.

I took a deep breath before I began.

"They say that life is full of paths. Full of twists and turns that we never see coming. They say that life is full of crossroads, and the path we choose to take defines who we are as a person. Five years ago, I came to one of those crossroads. The path I chose led me to Seattle--to you.

"The night I met you changed my life. It was no coincidence that we met that night, in that bar, under those circumstances. Even if I didn't know that we would one day end up right here, in this chapel, telling each other that we love each other in front of two hundred people, I knew that you were special.

"Meredith, I don't believe in coincidences. I believe that everything that happens on the paths we take will eventually lead us to bigger, greater things. My decision led me to you, and you led me here. You led me to the greatest happiness, the greatest love that I have ever known. And from here on out, I want to walk with you. Whichever path you walk, I walk with you. Whatever choice you make, I make with you. Whatever twist and turn is thrown our way, we will make it together. I don't care what happens in the future, Meredith. As long as it's with you."

I watched the tears well up in Meredith's eyes. She lifted a delicate hand to wave them away and everyone in the chapel chuckled.

Then it was her turn.

"I am a great believer in second chances. No matter how many tests I've failed or friendships I managed to screw up, I fought hard for that second chance because I knew that I would do everything in my power to make everything right again. Our first shot at a relationship, as everyone here knows, didn't end well. It didn't end well at all. Then when the cancer came, it looked like it was the end. It looked like there would be no more chances, no time left for me to fix the mistakes I had made, to right the wrongs I committed.

"But then you gave me the greatest gift I have ever received, Derek. You gave me a second chance at life. You gave of yourself purely and wholly, just so that I might live. _No one _has ever done anything like that for me. No one. So I fought back for you. Knowing that you were on my side, knowing that there was still a chance that we could fix what we had broken, I fought like hell to stay alive. To put it simply, your love saved me. Your love gave me a second chance.

"And here we are. I can't promise that I won't screw up. I can't tell you that I'll be perfect. I know that I'll make mistakes down the road, in my life, and in our marriage. I know that things will be said and stuff will happen. But I know that we'll be okay. I know that we'll make it through because I know that you'll always give me that second chance to make things right, no matter how undeserving I am. I love you, Derek. I love you, and I fought like hell so I could stand here right now and tell you this. And no matter what, I will always love you. Always."

My throat constricted once more at her emphatic words. Meredith was no longer the shell of a person with abandonment issues. She was no longer the pitiful cancer patient with the purposely bald head. She was a survivor in every sense of the word. And she was mine.

The priest and the rabbi continued on with the ceremony. Then they announced, for the whole congregation to hear, "I now pronounce you, husband and wife, husband and wife. You may now kiss the brides."

Meredith grinned as she threw her arms around my neck and kissed me. I kissed back with everything I had.

Everything led back to her. Everything. And I was glad that it did.

**A/N - So there it is. The last installation. I hope you enjoyed the ride. If some of you are curious as to what Meredith's wedding dress looks like (I based the descriptions off of an actual dress) the link to the picture is on my profile page.**

**I would like to say this right now: I will _not_ be writing a sequel to this story. I just don't have the drive or the inspiration to write one. Not to mention, this story wasn't meant for a sequel. So please don't ask me to.**

**As always, please review! And make sure to check my writer's blog (listed as the homepage on my profile). Thanks for reading!**


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